Yeah, I can understand where the emotions in this poem come from. You want to forget and move on, but yet you know you love this person and so it angers you that they are no longer here. You start to question how they could leave you, and put you through this pain, if they really loved you. And you then begin to forget about the pain they were feeling.
I like how you gave depression a character, and especially the choice of He, and then making it a dance, and then just like that you knew instantly you were "married" to this, and would have a long commitment to this grief for a while.
I think the poem does need some punctuation work though, one of my picky points, but I do feel it would help the poem a lot.
Good mention of the alcohol as we all know how easy it can be, to fall inside a bad habit as a way of coping with trauma.
I would try to move on
Yet a song would always
& I'd smile knowing it was ours
But then Depression would court me
Asking if He could have a chance
Desperately I'd want to say no
But my dress was already
starting to look like a wedding gown
I don't know if you listen to Morrissey or The Smiths, but this part really reminds me of something he would write. Or Robert Smith. And that's a high compliment to pay.
4 years ago
by Beautiful Soul
This to me is one of your best poems. In life I feel like we all fall in love with different things. Not just people but emotions and ideas. You have been doing a wonderful job writing your emotions out. Like saffie I can also see where the emotions come from in your life and this poem in general. Sometimes we create our own ideals about love and we conceive these to be our reality. It truly does suck when one thing sparks very painful memories like what you used... A song. It always means more to us then anything else. It always turns our lives upside down when we lose someone close to us and that's when depression kicks in. Here I see you have become so close with sadness for so many years that its a comfort zone.
The metaphor where you go through stages of romantically getting involved is fascinating to me. You say that falling in love with depression is good for you because it makes you feel something. I liked the contrast. Overall excellent poem. 5/5
"Dimensions of love we created
Castles floating in the sky
Guards were put by our sides
Children running around
Oh how it all turned to ash,"
It's quite the introductory stanza, I love the abstract 'choppiness' in the flow that is created when you switch between thoughts in your verses. It's hand down my favourite stanza, because of the vivid imagery and emotion that you compacted in just a short few lines.I only recommend improving the punctuation (I'll address that later on), and consider changing 'ash' to 'ashes', it just sounds a tad better, and one could argue that it's the more correct term as your refering to multiple things (but that's just me being a bit picky).
"If the end to this suffering meant
I'd have to drink wine
Then gladly I'd swallow it down
Every day, every night
In an effort to forget you
My love "
I felt like this was a satisfactory conclusive stanza - the notion of one turning to alcohol to cope with their problems isn't an unfamilar one, but you romanticized it with your words, and it definitely struck a chord with me.
Overall: I absolutely loved this poem, I'd just recommend punctuating the poem more - I had to read a couple of stanzas once more, because I wasn't sure if it was meant to be a new sentence, or part of the old one. Just using commas, semicolons, and hyphens would help a lot! You can control where you want the reader to take a pause, stop or continue, and that's how you can control the flow of your poem and make it choppy, song-like, and such. That being said, you're talented, and this piece is definitely testimonial to that!
4 years ago
Fabulous piece of work you have written. I can feel your emotion here. x
I think this is a stronger poem from you... the flow seems smoother as well.
Just a few suggestions:
"Guards were put by our sides"
- Use a more powerful verb other than "were put", which doesn't give impact.
"Children running around"
- Kind of a dull image. I want to know what the children looked like, what sounds they made, etc?
"Oh how it all turned to ash,"
- This line really gives a more sorrowful tone. Maybe experiment with punctuation a bit or put this line in parenthesis or dashes to show it like it's inner dialogue?
Also noticed throughout the poem you use a few commas, so your poem has punctuation, but there are some lines I feel you could add a semi-colon or period. I think you can made a decision whether to have punctuation or completely take out punctuation, one or the other.
I like when writers ask questions in their pieces, and it's more thoughtful for the reader, but don't be afraid to put those in quotes or separate lines to add more emphasis.
This is such a great poem. The theme of helplessness in the face of love is one I see so often in my life.
"Desperately I'd want to say no
But my dress was already
starting to look like a wedding gown"
I love these lines, as they show both the reluctance and the inevitability of unwanted love. There is great imagery and flow. Overall a poignant poem.