I really like this piece, but I don't think it fits in the sad category very well - at least not with the hopeful, helpful ending line. As far as structure goes, this is a perfect senyru, you have the syllables perfect and your use of emotion is excellent. Nice job
First, I want to say my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family and it's beautiful he can have a support system from his mom. Keep your head up and keep hope.
Now, some suggestions on the actual poem, which are just in my opinion. To me, this poem is too vague. I would suggest focusing on a specific image or the situation. It doesn't have enough of an impact in my opinion, for writing in such a short form. For instance, "every day" doesn't really add to the piece and generalizes it, maybe it would be fine in a longer poem but it doesn't enhance this piece or prompt emotion. Also, with saying "I see", I would suggest using a more powerful verb? Something that suggests you not only witness this person's struggle but you are affected as well. My last suggestion is either keeping the title and changing the last line or keeping the last line and changing the title to something different. I guess I'm not a big fan of having the title be a line from your poem, especially when there are only three lines in here to begin with. What would be very emotional is if you could give a line from your son's perspective as well.
Thanks Poet on the piano! With your first suggestion, i actually agree with you 100% i felt its lacked that punch in a poem you want the readers to feel. I tried to sit down using free verse, and other forms and this particular topic is proving to be very hard to word.
4 years ago
by Beautiful Soul
When we struggle we do feel alone a lit of the time. Especially with depression or any mental illness. I like this write a lot. I am also glad you put a little note at the bottom, to explain why. Though this is short it's well written. You see this happening over and over. And honestly I get this, because my step daughter has aspergers. This poem tells me that even though they struggle, they are always loved no matter what happens.great write.