Comments : No One

  • 3 years ago

    by Masked metaphor

    No one,
    sees the light go out
    as washed out eyes,
    that sparkled once with life and love
    close for the final time
    ^^
    I love the way you started this poem! I like how you have taken this prompt and shaped it into a different view - of death itself - I like how each stanza focuses on a different aspect of death this one on the closing of eyes as life fades from the eye sight! I love the imagery composed by your choice of words. I especially like washed out eyes - so insightful!

    No one,
    hears the final breath
    that whispers out through parched,
    thin lips, once plump and ripe enough to earn
    a young man's kiss.
    ^^
    I like the repetition of no one
    Now this stanza talks about the final breath of life - I would have to say my favourite line is

    "that whispers out through parched,
    thin lips"

    Beautifully captured descriptions here I also admire the comparisons made between the young and the old - brings the poem into more perspectives!

    No one,
    feels the fading pulse
    that beats its final knell inside a heart
    which at wars lonely end
    gave up the will to love.
    ^^
    Wow I am literally blown away!
    The imagery here is amazing as well as the link and metaphors of the heart and the battle the heart wages on.

    No one,
    knows the soul beneath
    skin, wrinkled by the stretched
    out years spent wishing
    for a life she never had
    ^^
    A beautiful way to end a beautiful piece of writing!
    It is very true! no one really knows a persons soul I love how you have personified and given characteristics for the soul - very effective technique!

    Thankyou for sharing such talent!
    Nominated for this weeks contest! Very best of luck!

    5/5

  • 3 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    I really feel there is so much depth within this poem, so sad and yet touching in a way that you feel empathy for the character.

    I feel you used the prompt really well indeed.

    I think the poem could use some more punctuation, in my opinion, to break it up into more strong images.

    For example, I do not feel the need for the comma after "no one" . But they can be fitted elsewhere, such as after "life and love" in the first stanza. And a few other areas throughout the poem. This will really let the reader read and hold one image in their mind exactly as you intended it to be captured.

    I love how you use the senses to describe how nobody seems to notice this person, even though they are using all their senses to belong in the world but never felt a part of it, or alive in it.

    Very powerful job.

    Well done

  • 3 years ago

    by Beautiful Soul

    First stanza- Love the start of this poem, you jumped right into the emotions this person is going through: sadness. You portrayed the sadness of this person very well. No one notices what you feel inside. That is very typical in a depressed person. It's also typical that people were once full of life and then depression hits you hard.

    Second- This stanza tells me that this person was once very beautiful, and the description of the lips adds a nice touch to what you wanted to say. No one every thinks about the time a person was happy, but they see who they are or what depression made them into and judge..

    Third- This is going back to the beginning and feelings. No one feels what they feel inside. Giving up on love is very true as well. When you are hurt by love so many time, you don't want to endure that pain anymore. So that's how sadness starts and ends.

    Ending- I love this Cassie! You did well to wrap this whole poem up and you told the reader how depression can last until the end. My small nitpick is the title, I thought it could have been stronger but great work overall. 5/5

  • 3 years ago

    by BlueJay

    No one,

    sees the light go out

    as washed out eyes,

    that sparkled once with life and love

    close for the final time

    ^ There really isn't an introduction, but you did jump right into the poem with a great pace and an interestingly penned first stanza. I really like how you make it the end with memories and the use of the words "for the final time". That was well done and a great touch.

    No one,

    hears the final breath

    that whispers out through parched,

    thin lips, once plump and ripe enough to earn

    a young man's kiss.

    ^ I really like the descriptions you chose for this stanza and how you merely elaborated on the person's memories while still telling your story. The word choice here was excellent.

    No one,

    feels the fading pulse

    that beats its final knell inside a heart

    which at wars lonely end

    gave up the will to love.

    ^ This is a great stanza and I love how this one has just a little more emotion than the previous two and how well you have captured the sadness and love and so many other emotions without really saying much at all. Probably the most unique stanza in the piece (in my opinion).

    No one,

    knows the soul beneath

    skin, wrinkled by the stretched

    out years spent wishing

    for a life she never had.

    ^ And finally the conclusion, I like how you stepped away from the senses and put no one knows... instead. That was a great way to wrap up the piece without undoing all the other fabulous metaphors and emotions. Definitely worth the vote in the weekly contest. And extraordinarily beautifully penned.

  • 3 years ago

    by Fan Angeleo

    "No one knows the soul beneath the skin" very good line.

  • 3 years ago

    by Meena Krish

    Judging Comment:

    A simple poem yet it speaks of truth, sadness and
    hurt. A life that has gone unnoticed until death. Its
    a pity that no one seems to understand the hurt
    an individual goes through, the life she craves for
    and the happiness that has been invisible to her.
    The simplicity of this poem with individual lines
    standing on its own creates loneliness and a cold sadness...touching.

  • 2 years ago

    by The Po whet

    Read this poem and actually felt a connection and empathy for those people less regarded in our society because their stories doesn't matter.With this inspiration you've motivated me to go out and tell them,''hey mate,your story matters a lot''. lovely write

  • 2 years ago

    by Ben Pickard

    This really is a lovely, thought-provoking write. Excellent.