Thoughts consume us when sadness fills our soul. Lack of sleep is a great phrase to use here I feel. Because it definitely goes hand in hand with racing thoughts. And with lack of sleep comes lack of dreaming and it visibly becomes worse over time. The time lapse is great and then you go right into why you cannot sleep, "you lost him". And dealing with feelings is difficult alone. What a great metaphor here too, I believe you are saying that, everything you have done in life has not been good enough and they have all been burned to the ground and put in an urn. The only way you can sleep is with sedatives, because they calm your thoughts down enough to make you sleep. You are adjusting to the dark in your room but now your heart is just learning to cope with it, because you have never known pain like this. Great write. 5/5
The first part confuses me a little, probably just because I am tired haha.
But the rest works perfectly.
The idea of losing someone and everything you value in the world making it hard to sleep and that they all burn and you're left with nothing.
And labeling them consequences makes me think that the character may have some background that would lead to bad karma or negative effects on their life. It gives a little bit of background to play with and I think that is awesome.
I love the last 4 lines. Perfect, really.
Lack of sleep, eyes adjusting to the dark, plays into the idea of an empty world, etc. works really well together.
3 years ago
I have read this piece three or four times...i can identify with every line and REALLY understand what you wrote, I know this was for a challenge but I have to say that unless you've felt this way you cannot write like this.
3 years ago
This piece is wonderful in its own way. The heartbreak of so many things that could have been and all that was consumes the audience and yourself in a way most authors refuse to show because it makes them feel too vulnerable in the world. I like that you were able to share yourself (or a character) with us in such raw format. the imagery here is wonderful and the way you pour your heart out is perfect even in its cryptic or personal understandings before the general meanings.
This poem is filled with many creative descriptions that really drew me in to the poem. The lack of sleep being the only routine easy to follow, shows just how unsettled and chaotic life is for this character, and how the only thing reliable is the fact they cannot sleep easy. The intruding thoughts are well portrayed, as well as the consequences of past decisions which clearly haunt the character in present life. To relate the consequences to being inside an urn is such a unique idea. The hint of medication at the end, also shows the desperation for a good nights sleep, and how this sorrow and despair is within this person every day.