Comments : While He Sleeps

  • 9 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    Not to sound picky, but first stanza: should "makes" be singular?

    There's such a innocent beauty in the second stanza. I do believe in the simple things that inspire us or that may mean the most to us. That little morning routine of coffee then smiling before you go to work is something shared only between you two.

    Also think it is interesting how you wrote about knowing the power and strength of a marriage through the silence... this makes me actually think of my parents! What is said in a simple glance? What does it mean to grab the other's hand and feel that support, not say it in words, but feel it?

    "To capture the power of
    marriage is when there is silence,"

    - I have one suggestion but it's obviously my opinion as I know you wrote this to your husband and means a lot to you. Second line has a repeat of "is" and seems like a mouthful. Maybe you could write like "To capture the power of marriage? Silence" or "To capture the power of marriage- when there is silence" just so there's not an extra "is". Completely up to you though :)

    This poem has such a unique take by mentioning his sleep and that while others may overlook it, you look into it and see that love and beauty when you both dream. And you also have your own voice present in this poem by speaking to the reader and realizing while it may be cliche to say "he completes me", it's nothing less than the truth. And I hope to find that person someday.

    Thanks for sharing this!

    • 9 years ago

      by Maple Tree

      MaryAnne thank you!!!! LOVE your ideas and helpful hints, thank you for pointing those out :-)

  • 9 years ago

    by CuteThingsGoneWrong

    This poem is so lovely! You got the meaning across and yes you used no metaphors. Everyone knows what its like to love someone in there sleep. Personally it was my favorite part

  • 9 years ago

    by CuteThingsGoneWrong

    Double post