Comments : Unforgivable Transgressions

  • 2 years ago

    by The Fairy Mary Poppins

    Voted and will comment later.

    -Mori

  • 2 years ago

    by BlueJay

    I am glad that this piece was nominated, it was my second vote in the contest. The way that you have taken on this character's perspective, pain and mistakes is wonderful. It is different than some of your other works, but I think that is why I enjoyed it as much as I did. The word choice was fantastic, you developed your character not only clearly but really. As in you made them seem like you were actually writing from these shoes because it isn't 2 dimensional or flat, its not missing the emotion or the story or seems like its too out there. Its a perfect portrayal of your scene.

    I very much enjoyed this piece, Hannah, beautifully penned.

  • 2 years ago

    by Mihir Deshmukh

    I seriously lack any capability to describe how good it is ! great job.

  • 2 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    Ah, it's been too long since reading your poetry, Hannah! This just makes my heart ache. The opening image of prayers being underlines really makes me feel that desperation and that pleading this soul has. For me at least, unless I am too tired to reflect or think about the day, those moments when I lay still in bed are the most peaceful. I think of the past, of what's to come. It seems like a good time to pray, too.

    Your word choice is haunting and so emotional here, especially in these images:

    "I have stared into the
    echo of my impounded
    soul"

    &

    "and remorse has built
    a dome across the
    shoulder blades of
    my home."

    That pain is so tangible and it makes me want to reach out. We all have regrets, that heavy weight we must learn to carry or accept or eventually let go.

    Those ending lines really strike me. And you, writing in this perspective, have done it with such care and human emotions. Of course I'm not a parent but even have heard my own parents say things they wish they would have done better, that they wish the best for me. But hopefully, one can learn from this. And that wound can be healed. And coming to a point of knowing the wrongs done, if this father abused or never spent enough time, admitting them and then making reparations. Not just giving up but trying to do more. Reading this again it made me think this father is in prison?

    Such a powerful write, not to mention memorable.

  • 2 years ago

    by Beautiful Soul

    I am really happy you got my poem for the second round. I feel bad for the person who has to write the third lol. It seems like the person here is not as innocent as everyone first thought and they lie in between the sheets with thoughts running through their head. The generation of their peers is far behind in the past since this person as been in jail for such a long time now. Shame is upon the hands he lies upon his head and he wears the weight of the remorse upon the shoulders. The world is an unforgiving place. His son is his shining light in the week and he thanks his son for overlooking the crime he did or did not commit. He doesn't feel like he should be forgiven because he was not there when his son needed him most. 5/5

  • 2 years ago

    by Naughtymouse

    Ummmm......Yeah, this is just.....omg.....you are awesome.

    I have nothing left to say....speechless.

  • 2 years ago

    by The Fairy Mary Poppins

    Prayers are underlined
    within the pillow of my
    sorrows, linen sheets know
    my conscience is not as
    innocent as it pleads to be.
    ^
    The stanza flows quite nicely leading the reader to want to keep on reading the beautiful poem, there's so much imagery and emotions, both implied and blunt quite beautiful Hannah. I love the second part of this stanza and my favorite lines are the last two as it leads the reader into finding the deeper meaning of the poem (in my opinion.)

    I have stared into the
    echo of my impounded
    soul, corrected the angled
    mirrors and said farewell
    to the generation that I
    never got the chance to
    call my own -
    ^
    It sounds like suicide on the last three lines and makes me say this: Excellent way of saying he/she's going to kill herself it's quite beautiful, the sadness from the first stanza transferred over into the second stanza and made it so much more beautiful the tone stayed the same sad, filled with depression. Really quite relatable to be honest.

    yet shame is still
    inked upon these hands
    and remorse has built
    a dome across the
    shoulder blades of
    my home.
    ^
    Very nice imagery (again as you always do Hannah) I love how the shame can't be washed away since that's just how it is shame will not be washed away it stays and makes the person who wears it just guilty and it leads to the second half of the stanza quite stunning. A dome that I wouldn't have thought of ever putting in a poem so unique!
    -

    Pen pal visitations are the
    only highlight of my week -
    I'm indebted to you for
    pocketing my transgressions
    and never setting them free.
    ^
    This stanza makes me think that this particular person is either in a mental facility or a jail, anywhere where you are incarcerated for a period of time that you start to receive letters. The first part is somewhat happy since it made your week since it's apparent that nothing really happens to your life in this stanza now the second part of the stanza has it becoming sad mixed with dark, but mostly sad.

    But son, how can I ask you
    to forgive me if I am nothing
    more than a shell of a beast
    who claims to be a father?
    ^
    That's a nice ending (and sad) and it still makes me think of a convicted father feeling that he's not really a father since he wasn't there for his child's upbringing but I might be seriously wrong here. Really touching and it makes me think that this child probably didn't have a loving father who took him on his first bicycle, taught him basically what fathers do when they are growing up he was unable to be there physically or emotionally and it's really sad but in a way this is his apology letter to his son. 5/5

    Really glad I nominated this poem! :)

    -Mori

  • 2 years ago

    by Dagmar Wilson

    It's been a long time Hannah and I have to give it to you. Your writing is amazing.

  • 2 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    A poem that shows remorse and guilt for committing a crime, and serving the punishment of time behind bars. This poem shows the perspective of a prisoner and how he has missed the opportunity of life, of family, and of raising his son and being that role model for the son which he perhaps wanted to look up to him. The author has shown the reality of forgiveness in these situations, in that convicts can often ask for forgiveness, even though they know they do not deserve it, or that the victims of him crime will consider his apology. Good story to base a poem on, well done.

  • 2 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    A poem that shows remorse and guilt for committing a crime, and serving the punishment of time behind bars. This poem shows the perspective of a prisoner and how he has missed the opportunity of life, of family, and of raising his son and being that role model for the son which he perhaps wanted to look up to him. The author has shown the reality of forgiveness in these situations, in that convicts can often ask for forgiveness, even though they know they do not deserve it, or that the victims of him crime will consider his apology. Good story to base a poem on, well done.