Comments : Forfeiting All Privileges

  • 2 years ago

    by Beautiful Soul

    Hannah, you do a great job with your metaphors. Here it seems to be a point of view of a women, his ex wife or wife and her daughter is the one with whom she is speaking to. She talks about how the relationship and how it just happened and how they were both in love at first, then this person became violent and angry. But she was so in love with him, that even the abuse or nasty feelings couldn't stop her from leaving. Then one day she realized that for her daughter she had to leave this relationship. The ending is lovely because she saved her daughter from bearing what the mother endured. This reads almost like a letter, that is completely honest and open. No feelings held back. Love this. 5/5

  • 2 years ago

    by cassie hughes

    I thought this was trully beautiful when I first read it in the challenge. I love how the story unfolds as you (the narrator) tell your daughter of your love and the path it took.

    How the naive outlook you had at the start became tarnished by the abuse until you could take no more and how in the end, you gave your life to protect and save her.

    A sad poem but with such strength and selfless love portrayed by it that it feels hopeful in the end.

  • 2 years ago

    by La Reina De Corazones

    This poem was painful to read. For the main reason was that you had to give up your daughter so that she would be in a better family, God it broke my heart. As an emotional mother it shattered my heart and soul. Now I'll get to commenting on each stanza oh what joy! P.S. 5/5

    You have the eyes of a solider
    and a merciful heart,
    birthmarks that will undoubtedly
    become your misfortune.

    (They were always mine.)
    ^
    First line just made me think of a little child that has seen the world as it truly is and that's truly sad, and heart wrenching to be honest. Children are supposed to be innocent and because of life's cruel hand they no longer see the world as only the youth can. The second line made me smile. Second line, as I mentioned made me smile since it's just adorable since even though this child has seen the world it still has a beautiful heart. Now the third and fourth line go hand in hand and making me think that's it's a forewarning to her daughter as this child is clearly different and that will make her different from other children and other adults in the future. This first stanza is filled with strong imagery and a lot of emotions that both grab you by the heart and make you want to keep reading. The part in parenthesis makes me think that the mother went through that and she feels sympathy for her child.

    Love became an incurable
    lesion between your father and I -
    I was the whetstone to his blade,
    sharpening it to the point
    of self-destruction.
    ^
    This stops talking about the child and starts talking about the parents and starts to give the reasons why the mother had to give up her daughter for her own health ( I spoiled the comment since I read the whole poem before I commented oh well). The metaphors in this stanza are amazing, dark, and sad at the same time. The wife, or mother herself was the fire that fueled the father and their relationship sounds like a domestic abuse one, one that got out way out of control and it clearly had love to begin with, does still have it just has so much darkness that any light would be swallowed up. The last line caught my attention since this relationship definitely sounds like a self-harm one that many couples go through, making this poem very relatable.

    He harbored carnage within
    unstable walls and I continued
    to shelter the storm that slowly
    diluted any chance of survival.
    ^
    Now this stanza starts talking about the father's life. He was clearly unstable and she tried to help him throughout the part of their marriage or relationship. Yet, she slowly started to just weaken down and nobody was safe as time passed. Beautiful, and touching since it really gives insight into what their relationship was. He was the brute strength, who had emotional problems (rage, or whatever the case may have been), versus her who was sweet and loving, basically light to his darkness.

    I romanticized him to the point
    that the knives he held to
    my throat were pecks of reassurance
    ^
    Wow! This stanza sounds so sadistic and masochistic that it's scary to read let alone comprehend! Apparently this relationship was so off course in the correct way that their relationship consisted of pain and nothing more, the love that they had was just wow. The man the father was so out of control she tried to help him and in that way, the more he loved her the more he grew out of control. Sad to say this, this stanza is relatable as well.

    (Naivete is a characteristic
    I pray you didn't inherit.)
    ^
    I think you meant to say "Naiveté" Hannah and again this is what the mother hopes that her child will never have even as she explains the life of both the mother and the father.

    Until one day, my heart could
    no longer volunteer
    the services he demanded -
    my eyes opened to the
    extinction of his soul
    and I recruited strength
    from the shackled warrior
    I detained inside.
    ^
    Beautiful in this stanza the mother finally finds the strength and stops being the tool the father demanded of her throughout their relationship and stands up for herself the one that was buried deep inside and I'm glad for that. To see that the mother finally stood up to the father and quit being the tool he used to put his frustration in. That this is the most beautiful anyone who has been in this situation can do. Beautiful!

    I provoked the demon that
    I vowed to love until the
    last whisper of a breath
    left my lips...
    ^
    She found a reason to stand up to the love of her life and in the end lost her life. This stanza makes me believe that she had a good reason otherwise she wouldn't have stood up to her husband the love of her life if the reason wasn't strong, and what she says ( I will do that next) is strong as it's her last breathe.

    "She's free."

    -

    Although I sacrificed
    the privilege of raising you,
    my precious daughter,
    I thank God for the day
    that I rescued you from us.
    ^
    I nearly almost cried while reading the ending since it's heartbreaking and I applaud the mother for doing this. She did what was the most painful thing in the world to keep her daughter safe. That ending makes it really strong I think even stronger than the beginning so thank you for sharing this poem Hannah!

    -Mori

    • 2 years ago

      by Hannah Lizette

      Yes, it is supposed to be spelled that way, Mori...but the site doesn't allow those characters..so I had to spell it with a regular e. Thanks for the comment!