Comments : Cholera Dripping Bar Stool

  • 2 years ago

    by Rania Moallem

    Lol the best part was the store for me, I think you did really well in that part.
    I loved the short pace, that's definitely how things should go to keep things fast and easy to catch up with the whole piece, not to be submersed in it like in love or sad poems.

    however I have a tiny suggestion, only my opinion tho, in regard of this part, and to make the flow a bit better...

    He once turned water to milk,
    Another time he turned cotton into silk.
    ^ I think you do not need to add the another time
    info, it didnt work in the favor of the pace, without it,
    the meaning would be complete as well, e.g

    He once turned water to milk,
    then turned cotton into silk.

    Oh, he creates miracles,
    Watching him is spectacle.

    ^ took of the "a" after is, much better
    to save the flow.

    anyway, my thoughts, I liked this piece eitherway.

    Keep it up

    • 2 years ago

      by Mihir Deshmukh

      Thank you and now that you've shown it I see it actually works better!

  • 2 years ago

    by La Reina De Corazones

    While I enjoyed it Mihir, I think you did your job right as a poet, there some bumps in the flow but it was quite nice to read. It made me laugh and I needed that so it was in the right catagory, what I didn't like was that at times (for me) it was kind of forced? I don't really know right now I"m getting sick again (unfortunatly). Really nice poem 5/5

    -Moria

    • 2 years ago

      by Mihir Deshmukh

      Yes I agree it isn't very smooth but I felt the pun may make up for it, but now that I have got the confidence that I can write humor I'll improve the structure of my poems to come. Thank you for reading it though!!

    • 2 years ago

      by Mihir Deshmukh

      Yes I agree it isn't very smooth but I felt the pun may make up for it, but now that I have got the confidence that I can write humor I'll improve the structure of my poems to come. Thank you for reading it though!!