This is one of the classiest poems. There is such tenderness in your 1st verse and such fitness in your meter and inner rhythm.
I really love how you precised and said " not in the way you come and go" this is such a powerful line that is going to stay stuck in my head. The message in this line, leading to the verse following it is very praise worthy.
It just leaves a certain impact .
This poem has given a lot of power to the lover, sometimes I wonder if it is exactly this helplessness that gets us more attached and tumble us into this trap of love.
Your poem is genuine, deep, moving and breath-taking.
2 years ago
by Beautiful Soul
This poem holds a great rendition of a metaphor that is beautifully crafted in the wale of heartache. Though many readers will have different ideas of the meaning of this I think all those meaning could tie into one. No one truly knows what the writer is thinking at the time they write their piece. This romantically intensifies the emotions you have about one single item, but that item is a metaphor for loss or something that you used to love. Who knows really. The imagery and wording grip at the readers heart and tugs because there is nothing like love to pull you in and out of emotional desolation. Beautiful write full of passion. 5.
I've been reading this poem a couple of times. I've been meaning to comment but I haven't figure out the way to do it. So I thought "why not? Just comment the way you usually do."
And here I go.
What I like the most about this poem is the repetition of "the way you.." It's like the repetition lulls me into sleep and I love sleeping. It's subtle. Enchanting. I could just read this piece for more than six times in a row and not get bored by it. That's what I like best.
Something that I'm not too keen about, it's this line:
"the way I feel like I can't breathe without you"
^ And the reason for me not feeling too keen about this line is inclined towards a personal thing... if I think of the Ocean, I can breathe without it. So at least in my way of thinking, that wasn't too clever. It doesn't go much by logic. Or at least it doesn't fit the theme of the poem, or the comparison that you were making, unless you as the narrator can't breathe without the ocean?
However, I can understand how that line can be important to you as the writer. At least, to me as one of the picky readers, lol it felt that it didn't add much into the comparison.
Another thing that I like about this piece is that in the first half of the poem, you are showing the virtues of this person where as in the second part, you are showing the defects. It seems that in the top portion, you are showing I guess love? and how important this someone is for you.
And in the second half, violence? I said this due to the line: "The way you revel at my desperation" as if this someone enjoys when you are in despair. I mean from one side the entire poem could be interpreted as one relationship, for instance, that this poem is being narrated by a victim of domestic violence or something along those lines. She/he loves him/her. He hits her. He then buys her flowers. tries to make her feel better then again... the cycle continues. Etc.
From another point of view, and if I ignored that line: "The way you revel at my desperation" I could say that this poem can describe how one feels when one is in "love" per se. The feeling of not being able to breathe when He/she is around... or how they swept us out of our feet... etc.
Well done. This piece can be interpreted in different manners.
Oh my goodness, this is awesome. Loved it. Had not realized you were back on here. I havent been around for a while, but I think Im getting my muse back. Time to write again. Loved this one... great job mama.
If it had not been for the word 'empty' , I might have missed the real message here....you did well on finding the metaphor to describe how this person filled every part of you, swept you off your feet, only to leave you empty.