I like these condensed forms, so much said with so little words. Each word needs to be carefully chosen and placed in order to create a good Senryu. The last line as we know needs to have a twist, a Ah ha moment to finish it off.
Here we go...
The Title 'Holy Matrimony' is just as important and is included if used well. This title allows this reader to know from the off that this poem is about marriage. Not only that marriage in the eyes of the church as steered to in the word 'Holy'.
First line ' with eternal love' you have stressed and out emphasis on the eternal love. This stressing the expectation of marrying for life and loving no other.
Second line 'he vowed to be hers until' this line is pivotal to the balance and lead into the all important last line. In this line we discover that the poem is about the husband's vows to his wife. The word until leaves a question hanging 'until what?' This is a great point and sets up the next. I would only suggest one thing, 'he vowed to be hers, until'
Third line 'new 'skirt' caught his eye.' This is a wonderful 'Ah ha' moment. In fact it made be nearly spit a mouthful of Earl Grey over my keyboard.
The word 'new' recent, new on the scene, the next 'skirt' a female garment, also, using the '' marks allows the reader to realise that skirt does not mean garment, more likely that it means 'new lady' Lady to replace his wife. His roving eye was caught by the new 'skirt'. This is funny, but also highlights the fact that the stereotypical man does not practice monogamy. Red blooded man, sewing his wild oats. I mean this makes me feel bad to be a man! lol
2 years ago
This is a great poem, and I love the title of it. It works well with the poem I feel. Marriage is not always forever, but when someone catches your eye, you know if it is love or not. but this is a great poem, short but it holds a great message