Wow, this is deep and rich with imagery and emotion...
I gazed outside a fog, flamed window.
There were things within a dark sky
that very few could see; but I could see.
Not just a fog, but a fog of smoke. This symbolizes much damage to come; and of a painful kind. I would suggest only one small change to this first stanza, and that would be to the last line:
' that very few could see; but I could... '
In my humble opinion less is sometimes more and this would leave more suspense and create increased atmosphere. Either way, it is a great start to this piece.
They stalked a slumbering dream, drenched with favorable
sugars, tasting lies with promises.
I like the alliteration. It makes it wonderful to say out loud. 'Tasting lies with promises' is like using sugar to disguise an unpleasant taste.
Laying a weary head upon a lithium pillow,
stars became evil and ritualistic, trapping
my emotions; They never forgave me for
being innocent, the hunters never forgive.
I like the metaphor for the mood stabilizing drug, lithium. How it calms the mind and paves the way for sleep - well, hopefully...
The term hunters gives a powerful image of prey trying to get away. It adds tension and draws this reader to the side of the underdog.
Cracking paint chips hold cryptic monologues,
the message of night whispers are going to kill
and torture me. I hear them, beyond a realistic
sunset that never dies.
More terrific alliteration - gives me an excuse to talk to myself - yes, I am mad! :O)
I see a mask to a world giving way to a shallow minded audience of hyenas who just want to wear their prey down - hear their laughter, it haunts and offers to peace...
Addictions become obsessions, I no longer care
about you and this tainted memory of a happy life
becomes non existent.
Obsessions come in all shapes and sizes. Relationships cut deep, as do any pass times that takes more and more of you and leaves less for anyone else, especially you...
You are society;
This is a huge statement. I read it as a finger pointing the blame for this obsession/ addiction. It is the pull and lure to fit in to look and act a certain way. Why do we mold ourselves when we are all one of a kind? Unique and proud, right?
Shunning my imbalance off the tracks of rainbows
and I no longer care to live, what is living when my comfort
zone is sleeping between the cracks of life.
A fragile life that only blinks in an otherwise dark world. I can sense the harshness of this struggle. It is enough to make 'letting go' appealing...
Voices lead me to hell, there is nothing you can do to save me;
When a mind is so tortured it begs for release and shuns assistance as this would only prolong the agony. This verse is hard to read as it is so vivid. Very good writing indeed.
Lips become numb from the words I scream inside this closet, I yearn to be heard, but the shadow people walk away,
Trapped and tired. Tired of asking for the help that never materializes. Yet, still, wanting to be helped even at this stage. But, what happens? They walk away. This is so sad and can only hope this is fiction or at lease a memory of a previous stage in your life.
they always walk away....
Very good. The repeat of these people walking away emphasizes the pain. One small suggestion, just 3 '...' I did say, a small suggestion didn't I? It matters not much really.
This leaves this reader with a haunting image a woman in absolute despair and drained of all energy. She is wasted and alone and can only listen/ watch her last saving grace leave her for the hyenas.
This is a superb write and one that I will vote for as it is deserving of a win for sure.
Michael thank you so much for your comment and suggestions... I was not comfortable with that line either... Love your suggestion... It reads much better.. Thank you!
2 years ago
by Ben Pickard
Wow, Andrea, this really got me by the guts and pulled! lol. "they always walk away" - that ending left my entrails on the floor.....metaphorically.
Seriously, though, your descriptive writing in this piece is wonderful and I love your subtle but effective use of alliteration throughout.
All the very best and well done on this excellent write - I will try to remember to nominate this on Monday!