Comments : Every breath you take...

  • 1 year ago

    by Em

    Michael.

    I don't know what to say apart from this gave me Goosebumps because is was beautifully written yet sad at the same time and I can relate as only this week I have found out a person I know from high school has been diagnosed with cancer. Such a cruel world.

    I hope you are ok

    Em

  • 1 year ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Michael

    First off, this reads like a senryu and I presume that it is, only you haven't labelled it as one which you normally do.

    "Every breath you take"
    ^^^^

    A wonderful (and dark) song by The Police and a wonderful (and dark) little piece this proves to be. As soon as I read the title, there was an air of blackness around it from there.

    "A thief stole the room's atmosphere"
    ^^^^
    Keeping in line with the 'breath' of the title and the idea of breath (like the atmosphere) being stolen away - very clever.
    ".....the day I heard you have lung cancer"

    ^^^^

    As Em says, goosebumps and cold chills after reading this damning and cutting last line. So much tragedy and emotion summed up in these lines, Michael which every good piece of this length should achieve - nothing wasted.
    The cancer steals the air from the patient and is a thief and a metaphorical thief stole the atmosphere when you heard - very clever Michael......two wonderful senryu in a row from you.

    All the very best,
    Ben

  • 1 year ago

    by Dagmar Wilson

    Beautiful write but so sad. I lost my son in law not to long ago . He lost the battle with lung cancer. Take care.

  • 1 year ago

    by Maple Tree

    You gutted me...........

    The day My husband and I sat in this dark exam room with the surgeon that had performed his lymphoma biopsy the week before...the atmosphere stole my breath and broke our hearts... I know this feeling all too well unfortunately...

    Hugs you!!

  • 1 year ago

    by Brenda

    Michael, Wow! You really packed a lot of powerful emotions in these words. My step-dad passed away from lung cancer, it's a horrible disease that's awful to watch your loved one suffer from. Beautifully done! Take care-Brenda

  • 1 year ago

    by Darren

    ^^
    What they said.

    .............only joking.

    Clever write, a small poem with plenty of punch.
    very sad, yet very thoughtful.

  • 1 year ago

    by Red Yoshi

    My heart hurts from reading. Thoughts and prayers for you

  • 1 year ago

    by Milly Hayward

    So much emotion in such a little space. My heart reaches out to you take care
    Milly

  • 1 year ago

    by Ingrid de Klerck

    Hi Michael,

    It's been a while since I last was here and now to find this story here is so sad. In 2012 I lost my dad to a very agressive cancer that took his life in less than three months and that spread throughout his organs. The images will never leave me.
    I don't know whom this is about, but even if it is one of your parents, who are very much like mine (unfortunately!) you still are shocked and choked because you are bound by blood.
    I wish you strength and hope all the good in your life will compensate to some degree for the pain you must be going through,

    (((hugs))) xx Ingrid

  • 1 year ago

    by Angie

    That C word is very scary, a small write that packs a powerful punch.

    I remember the times I've heard this word, not only myself, but family members as well. My heart reaches out to you and I wish for you and your family much strength and peace to help you through this time. Hugs

  • 1 year ago

    by Michael

    Such a small poem, but with incredible effect on reading it

    Michael

  • 1 year ago

    by Brenda

    Michael, congratulations on your win, well deserving.

  • 1 year ago

    by Larry Chamberlin

    Michael, it is bittersweet to have your anguish win the weekly, but take it as a testament to your devotion.
    Well done.

  • 1 year ago

    by - Mr. Darcy

    I just want to thank everyone for leaving kind words here. The topic is close to many and I am sorry if this has stirred painful emotions/ memories.

  • 1 year ago

    by Ingrid de Klerck

    Congrats on the win, dear:)

    (((hugs))) xx

  • 1 year ago

    by GB

    It's fascinating how few words could have such huge impact, very great read Michael and deserves to win.
    Take care

  • 1 year ago

    by Darren

    Judges comment

    This is one of those little poems that stops you in your tracks.
    A Senryu of perfection. There is a turn in line three, it is a turn in tense and a line that gives hope. 'Have' was used instead of 'Had'. This person is still fighting and if this is based on real experience then good luck to them. Syllables correct.
    10 points from me.

  • 1 year ago

    by Maple Tree

    Judge Comments:

    This short and powerful Senryu needed to be highlighted. In three short sentences I was in tears. Very powerful and the message says it all... very touching piece by Mr. Darcy!