Comments : Crucial part of life... (Syntuit)

  • 1 year ago

    by - Mr. Darcy

    Hello Em,

    this looks like a Larry form 'Syntuit' it is like a Haiku/ Senyru form, but as I see it, covers the 'grey' area of the two better known forms. Anyway, I think if you name this poem:

    Essential for life... (Syntuit)

    my heart is like that
    potted flower; without a
    drop of life, we die
    ^
    then perhaps, remold slightly, like this?

    Just an idea Em; the theme is great.

    Take care,

    Michael

    • 1 year ago

      by Em

      Thanks Michael I'll take a look and see how I can reword it without copying what you said. Lovely idea. As always thanks for helping me grow :)

  • 1 year ago

    by Rsan

    What a really delicate piece and so simply painted with imagery.

    "A wilting flower"
    A kind of flower that seems limp or droops lets say.Just a simple imagery formed in the reader's mind.

    "Needs to be washed in love"
    A flower that wilts is in need of water however you rather tell us it needs love instead ,for love is the desire that make us want to see that flower grows daintily

    "like me it craves it"
    The comparison here is just fantastic for without love we wilt too,getting saddened, getting depressed and all that..and it is love that supplements us

    So simple yet delicate

  • 1 year ago

    by - Mr. Darcy

    Hello Em,

    I like the reworking, however, should 'defied' be denied?

    BTW, I like the word 'benumb' to 'deprive of physical or emotional feeling' the only thing is this 2 x syllable word pushes the count on this line to 6 - how about changing it to 'freeze'?

    Take care,

    Michael

  • 1 year ago

    by Larry Chamberlin

    Em,
    I'm thrilled to find poets experimenting with the syntuit form.
    You have a masterpiece here.
    I would suggest one change for artistic purposes. If you drop "of" and move "love" to it's place, then the connector becomes implied:
    "denied love"

    That allows you to expand "it'll" to "it will" which seems, to me, a bit more elegant. This has the added advantage of completing the thought at line two before asserting the consequence in line three.