I always look forward to poems from you - in many ways they are like so many others, but with a twist, rather like adding a spoonful of honey to a savory dish. 'what was delicious flavour' the guests would inquire; a 'tap' on the nose and a 'wink' and the room would laugh, knowing that the secret would be held.
Anyway, this poem is full of subtle twists on known poetry word play. I appreciate how you perform this in an non-conceited way. The 'hesitation' before the start, like a pause as to 'should I write this at all?'
The stuttering 'I's' a nod to a previous comment perhaps. Mark, there is so much here that only you would know the ingredients within and their reason. That is how it should be, us (the reader) reading and just enjoying the bitter sweet tale of love.
Question, did you mean to write 'of your palms' twice. I realise that you may have, so just drawing your attention to that.
I won't carry on, but will add this to my favourites now, because of how thoroughly good I find this.
Yes it was intentional, though I realize in hindsight there should be an ellipses after the first 'of your palms', the repetition was there to show how the speaker gets drawn back to the subject of the poem. Thank you for reading!
Well, interesting as usual, I just found the piece too heavy with images and metaphors, you have your way with the prose poetry, no matter how long the piece is, it doesn't make the reader bored but I believe that you involved many thoughts here.I read it three times so far to -at least- grasp and connect the different parts. Still I agree with Michael, that only the poet could fully know why every word was placed in that particular line.
The stuttering and the repetition served for the concept of being "hesitant and confused", still I found it -to be honest- a bit awkward to ignore the capitalization in many places, is it on purpose? I don't think so. The punctuation as well can be very tricky for the perception of the whole verse might depend on just a "period". I'm not obsessed with perfection, but your poetry deserves perfect editing.
I like how you just include "whispers" / "reminders" in brackets so smoothly, it makes the read more likely to be intimate, unfinished diaries especially as the title is a "date".
I hope you don't mind my remarks, you know how much I admire your writing, very enjoyable :)
I should probably preface this comment with the fact that this poem is not a sequel but follows a similar form/purpose of a previous poem I wrote earlier, called Inebriated Ramblings: http://web.archive.org/web/20160316124158/http://www.poems-and-quotes.com/misc/poems.php?id=1234511, this poem isn't a sequel to the aforementioned poem for a multitude of reasons, but they both share the same premise of wanting to spill some truths, whereas this poem was written as a word jumble. Everything was written down, no revising, but inebriated ramblings, I edited and revised the entire poem the night after. That's why there's random capitalizations (typos & autocorrects), but in some of my recent work I've been dropping the capitalization of 'I' to make the speaker seem less significant. I might post a revised version of this, but thinking not too. This piece was cathartic to write. Thank you for your lovely comment! :)
Wow! There's so much I love about this write...The rambling, the total need to get these feelings off your chest, the choppiness of sentences..it all makes for a brilliant read.
It's funny how alcohol can loosen a tongue and boost our emotions 100% (my mother once told me that a drunk man will always tell the truth and, so far I've found that to be true) letting our feelings run freely. I'm glad you channeled this into the something concrete and, I'm glad you shared it with us.
I know there are typos but I know they are there intentionally so, I hope the judges will realise this and vote for it.
1 year ago
If this poem doesn't grace the front page, I'm going to be disappointed. In fact, I'll probably take it personally, which is silly, because this poem has nothing to do with me. But good grief I feel like you peeked into my heart and wrote out literally everything I've wanted to say and didn't know how, didn't have the words, didn't know the feelings I felt. But you freaking nailed it, and I found myself almost nodding along this entire piece in recognition of my own soul. It's astonishing to me how personal this felt to me, when it's not mine, nor do we know what is happening in one another's world.
"if loving you meant clemency,
then I am in the company of Yeshua ben yosef."
My God.. This. Is. Powerful. Of course it wouldn't surprise most that this is a piece I'm highlighting and drawn into, and I'm only slightly jealous I didn't write this myself. This is beauty.
I love that you did not capitalize the I... it's not about you. It's not about the author. You literally are pouring yourself into this person you're writing about and it takes literally all significance and authority away from you. The way this felt rushed and chaotic and redundant in pieces just gels with my mind, this is often how I ramble and talk when I'm really upset/emotional/HAVEALLTHEFEELINGS.
I may have missed the point with this one, I awarded 7 points rather than 10 for the lower case 'I' here and there. It is also a bit of a ramble.
But to be honest it is a fantastic ramble. Maybe Senyru just wanted this all off his chest and wrote it in one sitting bad punctuation and all.
I like that it is emotionally charged and loud.
(It reads loud in my head)
Repetition that makes me stammer is a nice touch.
Repetition that hammers home the point, is also a great touch.
A bit long like all good rambles should be, I enjoyed this. 7 points
This poem made me breathless! So much honesty and with lovely use of words. You had me from start to finish. I'm adding this one to my favorites! This was a really great piece. Congrats on your win too.