Comments : Creeping corruption

  • 2 years ago

    by Em

    Very powerful piece.

    Welcome to P&Q Em

  • 2 years ago

    by Trevor Hughes

    Thankyou:)

  • 2 years ago

    by IdTakeABulletForYou

    A beautiful first post, one I can only feel is inspired by the struggle you may have had with seeing people close to you fall into the pattern of drug abuse. Definitely intimidating; it's raw and at times scary with the vivid imagery of seeing the people around you waver in a weak world.

    A few grammatical corrections I would make are as follows:
    "This world that your living in, living in is wearing thin" should be "This world that you're living in, living in is wearing thin"
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    "You'll never gonna get it when I start." should be "You're never gonna get it when I start"
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    "You staring at me those cynical eyes I'm over here so its time you realize" should be "You staring at me those cynical eyes I'm over here so it's time you realize"
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    As for the following line, I'm not sure if you're saying that we live in fear, which would be "fright", but after going even deeper it could be that you mean "freight" as in this life being a train ride and we're all on the bulk transport because there's so many of us, all "unique".
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    "Than to see meths blight kill the gift of life." should be "Than to see meth's blight kill the gift of life."
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    A line that I really liked was like a timeline to me: "With Man's hand in the ground the crystals of ice started with lye", a very succinct way of describing a gateway, a small beginning.

    Your poem has some endearing metaphors that help peer through your eyes. A wonderful job.

    I could be wrong with my interpretations; however, that is the beauty of poetry. It can be perceived in many different ways.

    I know this is a "slang poem", but I would regardless love to see you work on your punctuation. I must admit though, it does sort of read as a song!

    Well done,
    5/5
    IdTakeABulletForYou

    • 2 years ago

      by Trevor Hughes

      I will most defiantly work on the grammar. This is from my past experiences in my life what I have been through and seen. It is ment to be fright and if scared but I didn't really try to hard on this I was just joking around trying to make a rap and then it progressed from there for about fifteen minutes then I went to find this website lol

  • 2 years ago

    by deeplydesturbed

    Very Powerful Piece Trevor.. (Trev for short haha!) Welcome to P & Q and I cant wait to read more of you! :)

    5/5

    • 2 years ago

      by Trevor Hughes

      I have a vast world from my eyes to open and envail to all .you can expect to avidly read more of my writings

  • 2 years ago

    by Maher

    This is raw and sounds like it came from personal experience. To me, the grammatical errors kind of had their way in adding to the whole scene - though if you want to be technical about it, yeah, they can be corrected. I got that it was a rap right away. It has a good flow jumping from rhyme to rhyme within the verses as well as at the ends.

    What else can I say, good Sir? You did well with this one, especially since it's your first.

    Welcome to P&Q my friend and I hope to see more from you :)

    • 5 months ago

      by Jake Bates

      No being Technical. As a poet you have your "poet license" as they teach you in school. The whole poem could be made of fake words such a Doctor Seuss and still be correct.

  • 2 years ago

    by Trevor Hughes

    That kiu guys for all of your support you guys are building my writers confidence:)