I might be drunk (yep) but this line in particular stood out to me. Pretty amazing, actually:
"I know time brings death."
Quite a genius line, if I do say.
As for my drunk corrections, here they are:
The air of life creeping, evaporating from my lungs.
With every breath, I know time brings death.
I've always felt a missing piece, somewhere inside.
it's in my throat, chest, and heart,
tearing me apart.
I feel held back; something is trapping me.
To break free... that's just a desert oasis dream.
I try to be happy, as I am a model for future beings,
but my unknown soul's held me from unknown fears, and I feel I'll never be free.
My emotional hole began deep, in infancy, I believe
Something that has always followed and terrifies me... fills my life with misery.
I have so much more I can be, but where do I motivate me?
My dreams were once the only thing that kept me from suicide.
Now I'm awake and have life's deeper meanings on my side.
All in all, I would say that this poem ended too abruptly. This whole time, you struggled to find your place and your happiness, to understand why you were here when you were guiding people you never knew or will know to a place you might never see... you don't really have any interlude to your journey from unknowing, to fear, to success. It's just like ... "Here I am, I have figured out the deeper meaning and it's all okay."
If that's not what you intended, it's what was purveyed through the last line.
Anyway, I still enjoyed it and it had one of my favorites lines of any poem I've ever read, because it's so real, unique, and a stark contrast to anything I've read before... splendid, really.
Thanks for this write,
IdTakeABulletForYou (the drunk one)