Comments : Temp [Prose]

  • 1 year ago

    by Hellon

    I feel this needs a little combing through and editing but...sometimes I know you just like to get thoughts down on paper so...I'm still nominating it because I just love it! Your wording is just so simple and honest here and, this is just one of those poems where not to fancy metaphors are used...it's raw, honest and truthful...I like that...I like it!

    although I have entertained
    the thought of just singing it once and fly south to perch on calmer
    shores).
    ^^^

    Just a little example of what I mean about editing it...fly is not correct it should be flying and...I'd say then flying. There are a few other little errors which I'm sure you'll fix up before it reaches the front page (hopefully)...next week now I reckon so you have plenty of time to sort it...

  • 1 year ago

    by Larry Chamberlin

    Mark, this work is astounding. Your wording is uncommon but in this case was spot on (toroidal due to missing star-stuff in the center - where it would be most important!)

    Your serial metaphors are crisp in their imagery: the bird that sings one song of (partial) honesty & heads to better climes, the tinder waiting to be ignited, and, most notably, trying to capture her essence from a drop of her ocean.

    A couple of minor points: maybe your line breaks should be looked at and. perhaps, "confessionaries"

  • 1 year ago

    by Em

    Mark as always an enthralling write.

    Em

  • 1 year ago

    by GB

    I haven't read much poetry lately here, it was refreshing as usual to check your latest.

    For somehow I feel like this is prose poetry, you still beautifully depend on imagery and metaphor, Mark, the main tools which make writing pretty distinguished rather than dull, journalistic, pure prose, just thought.

    Many, many lines could be quoted, and the wording is just so divine, thank you so much for sharing, very enjoyable.

  • 1 year ago

    by ether

    The use of parenthesis is brilliant, and the whole form of this piece flows without appearing to try.

    The only time the flow was interrupted for me was this stanza:
    "I've birthed cosmos that are infinite
    (well no, toroidal because
    you are the missing star-stuff missing in the centre),"
    The plural of cosmos is cosmoses so I think that's the word you're looking for in that sentence. Or else it'd be "I've birthed a cosmos that is infinite". And the repetition of "missing" in the last line throws the reader a bit.
    However this stanza is also one of my favourite stanza's for the metaphor.

    I also love that you put the word "saccharide" in a piece, without disrupting the flow. Well done.

  • 1 year ago

    by Maple Tree

    Star stuff in the middle.....that just got me Mark

    Beautiful wording and imagery!