Saying final goodbyes

by deeplydesturbed   Sep 12, 2016


Darkness surrounds the stars at midnight.
Shadows are cast over the earth from moonlight.
Feeling alone in my endless fight.
Wish I was free as a bird, taking it's first flight.

Would anyone notice if I slipped away?
Would anyone ask me if I wanted to stay?
Would "friends" come out of hiding to play?
Would you just let me walk out someday?

Life is full of ups and downs.
Carefree children running a muck on playgrounds
Rich snobby girls in fancy ball gowns
Depressed people suffering silent breakdowns.

In a world full of such hate
I feel like I already have a full plate
My days are numbered to collaborate
I think I'm ready to stand at hells gate.

With no regret I must say a final goodbye
Don't you dare sit there and cry
This wasn't an easy decision to come by
For tonight my friend, I choose to die.

4


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  • 1 year ago

    by Mark

    Nams! Here we are again! Lol, hugs. Today is my birthday! Sitting here with a large maccas sundae with extra choc ....and I couldn't resist a goodbye poem. For they're very emotional to me.

    The rhyming structure is close to four lines a stanza, each end of all four lines in a stanza rhyme. The first stanza is wonderfully descriptive:

    Darkness surrounds the stars at midnight.
    Shadows are cast over the earth from moonlight.
    Feeling alone in my endless fight.
    Wish I was free as a bird, taking it's first flight.

    The imagery here is wonderful, the moonlight cast over earth, darkness surrounding stars. Then enters beautiful Nams. The fight reference could be depression or related to such. Wishing to fly away. Just really love this stanza. The flow and read of the poem is clear from the beginning.

    The second stanza is in question form..almost as though these are questions you are asking yourself. 'Slip away' is a phrase I really appreciate here. Loniless is the emotion I feel as well as possible fake or questionable 'friends'

    Third stanza...absolutely astounding! Blew me away. You dwell right into the sombre feel to this piece. Not sure you need a '.' After downs because all lines relate to the first. The lines illustrate the ups and downs. Love the 'breakdown reference'. Oh Nams this is a gem.

    Fourth stanza. Here you not only write of your full plate... But also the weight of the world...perhaps depression involves thinking and feeling the sadness of worldly affairs too. The reference to hells gate indicates to me you believed suicides will end up in hell?

    Last stanza, you say your final goodbyes. You write here to a friend. I wonder if their is an actual friend there or your saying goodbye to the world...or the natural scenery your viewing. Very intriguing!

    This is beautiful and I will add it to favorites. I only wonder if this line:
    "Shadows are cast over the earth from moonlight." Might read something like "a silvery shine casts over the earth from moonlight"

    Hugs Nams ;-)

    • 1 year ago

      by deeplydesturbed

      HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARKY MARK..

      Well I wish i had a maccas sundae right about now at the office!!! It is already so darn hot!! Think we have finally seen some of this spring weather hit.. (33 today i believe!)

      thanky ou yet again for the lovely comment.. Your really getting into it!! :) Thank you for adding toy our favourites!! :) Such an honor.

  • 2 years ago

    by Brenda

    Naomi, darn it girl what are you trying to do to me? This write just sadden me on one hand but on the other-what a write! Your rhyming was spot on, the story engaging all way through-just beautiful! If you ever want to talk I'm here for you-hugs-Brenda

    • 2 years ago

      by deeplydesturbed

      Thanks Brenda :)
      I'm okay! As long as i keep writing :)

      thank you for being there! :) Im here for you too!

  • 2 years ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Hello Naomi

    A dark and well written poem in nice, tight stanzas that - in all honesty - made me thoroughly miserable, lol.
    Great rhyming throughout, too.

    All the best and cheer up!

    Ben

    • 2 years ago

      by deeplydesturbed

      Lol sorry to make you miserable! Thanks for the comment :)

  • 2 years ago

    by deeplydesturbed

    Thank you both for the comments. Michael, I can not fake things :( as much as I try, The only thing I could ever fake was my smile and even then my eyes gave me away.
    Em, I'm fine. I pm'd thank you for the lovely comment and all the concern. but there is no need for it, these are just words on paper (well the internet)...

  • 2 years ago

    by Em

    Naomi, Naomi, Naomi...

    First of all I will say this TALK TO ME, tell me what's going on. I'm bloody worried now girl. I know life is never easy for any of us but you are a strong willed girl who may sometimes need a bit of guidance in the right direction just like me. Nothing is simple but when in darkness we think the world and its dog is against us and usually it bloody is but we need to stand alone and fight it.
    Would anyone notice if I slipped away?
    ^^
    Yes, we would. I would most definitely.

    Would anyone ask me if I wanted to stay?
    ^^
    I wouldn't ask, I would beg you.

    Would "friends" come out of hiding to play?
    ^^
    Those 'friends' do not matter but I most certainly would if only you were closer

    Would you just let me walk out someday?
    ^^
    No, I most definitely would not.

    Now, hold your held high and smile and repeat after me "it may be tough now but it will not last, I can do this!!"

    Love you girl!!
    Em

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