This poem so needs to be read by many I feel....obviously you are feeling a loss of some kind and...I do not want to intrude in your private time dealing with that. suffice to say. I was really moved by your words...
Thank you for being so immensely respectful, but what has happened is no secret. Some of you (PnQers in general) might remember that Simon, my best friend and my soulmate, died on July 4th 2015. October this year, one of my soulsiblings died as well.
I'm haunted by nightmares. Not the scary kind, but the kind that makes you wake up feeling like you want to kill yourself instead. The kind where your sorrow is so deep it is crippling. Thankfully my doctor has prescribed anti-anxiety medication which allows me to calm down from the panic attacks and suicidal urges when I wake up from these nightmares, and peacefully sleep the rest of the night.
But everything has turned monochrome, life has lost any joy for me. All beauty I see in four dimensions, as if I can't help but to see all that is present and beautiful yet also see visions of it crumbling into ash and dust. Like how all beautiful things are fleeting, how even the Heaven and Earth are the epitome of impermanence. That's what I mean when I saw that these two people who meant more to me than my own life itself died, and how they became Ghosts inside my vision - how their deaths force me to see everything as a fleeting dream that someday soon will end. How all life is, is a journey towards death.
And yet, I am not a nihilist. I reject nihilism. I imagine the death of everything around me involuntarily, and struggle to find a catharsis to cleanse me from this taint of death - to find myself a life worthy of me living. Because I am living for three people now. Simon and Niko never got the chance. As my soulmate and my soulsibling respectively, I owe it to them to try and live a life worthy of everything they thought I deserved but I could never comprehend.
I don't seek attention by writing this reply. I want you to understand, since you showed me a respect that is uncompromising by refusing to ask me. The fact that you didn't ask me showed me that you care, and that you respect me. I would never have written this had you asked, because that *would* be intruding.
But you didn't. Because you're an amazing person. And since you wanted to know, I've given you the truth,
11 months ago
This is a very touching and telling write. Very well written and your sorrow can be felt throughout the piece.