Comments : An Unexpected Encounter

  • 2 months ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Excellent, Hellon.

    Who would have thought that 'swatting a fly' could bring such potentially lasting happiness? Life really is full of the most wonderful twists and turns!
    A couple of potential edits.

    and, as you followed it
    panic spilled my drink

    ^

    A second comma after the 'it' is needed here, I feel. (I love the personification of 'panic' by the way)

    I was not was not waving at you

    ^^
    Should that be a double 'was not'? probably...not! (sorry)

    A very good poem, which kept me intrigued until the rather amusing ending.

    Take care

  • 2 months ago

    by Everlasting

    "Should I give it to you?
    I thank I will!"

    ^^^
    The word thank sounds strange to me. I read it as I think... is it a typo? Or "I thank I will" is how it should be said?

  • 2 months ago

    by yogi73

    haha!! I love this poem and the witty ending! well thought out and well penned!

    • 2 months ago

      by Hellon

      Thank you all :)

  • 2 months ago

    by - Mr. Darcy

    Hellon, I often want to trawl back through my earlier pieces and 're-vamp' a few pieces, and one day I will. For now though, I will read other poems like this. I must add a before and after, would show the extent of the changes and appreciation of the sculpting that goes on to create a final piece. Question - is a poem ever finished?

    To the poem - I like poems that have misdirection; they're like a good joke where they take the reader on a journey and then the punch line delivers a satisfying end.

    Your journey is that old tale, told millions of times and each in it's own unique way. Here boy meets girl, or more specifically, girl waves at boy - and there you have it, connection. The electricity starts, chemistry and biology now can work and perhaps love will ensue.

    The punch line of the wave being more of a swat of deterring a pesky fly was/ is a good one and made me smile. But as many of your poems, they leave more for the reader, like an after taste of a flavoursome meal; something to mull over, a bit of mystery - I like this most of all, or do I?

  • 2 months ago

    by Em

    This is a pretty funny scenario and it reminded me of a programme I watched a couple of years ago which was based on finding out the cause to a crash and it turned out a woman was wafting a wasp away as she was allergic. Anyway, nice to see you writing again.
    Take care, Em

  • 2 months ago

    by Larry Chamberlin

    Hellon,
    I thought I recalled this in an earlier version. Still leaves me smiling at the splendiferous chance that sometimes propels our lives into directions we would not have gone otherwise.

  • 2 months ago

    by PETER EDWARDS

    I liked your poem a lot Hellon. So descriptive and one that made me want to read on to the very end.
    I also loved your clever lines used, 'your smile danced towards me', that was just one of the great lines you used. Well done!

  • 1 month ago

    by Michael

    What a wonderful twist of fate...maybe. Really enjoyed reading this poem

    Michael

  • 1 month ago

    by Frank

    How refreshing, youthful, feminine and delightfully descriptive this piece is!