deep ocean

by gopi nath   Jun 13, 2017


solid was my heart
i walked on the dark in search of light
you entered my heart like ark of fire
to take out my inner tire

i wonder this will last ever
but it din't last a day
memories are the only sands left behind
but the pot was filled where i stand

i took the gun to shoot
blood was allover
i kept a note on the desk
it says i am leaving you for ever.

2


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Latest Comments

  • 4 months ago

    by mossgirl19

    Nice one, Gopi!

  • 4 months ago

    by CJ Maleney

    Seconded em

    A really good solid start but tire seemed clutched at. But all in all an enjoyable read

    Regards

    Craig

  • 4 months ago

    by Em

    See I knew you could do it lol this is alot better :)

    I like the start because the solidness of the heart shows you've been hurt as 'walking in the dark,' as it shows that the darkness follows you around with the hurt and heartache... I think 'an' should be placed before ark and though this is good the last line put me off a little as the 'tire' rhyme here seems really forced so just a suggestion how about 'set off my deepest desires?'

    Suggestion stanza 2:
    'I wondered if this would last forever
    But it didn't even last the day' I liked the last two lines.

    The last stanza seems like you just placed it there for the sake of it in my opinion but I do like the sentiment of showing that love can send us crazy and do crazy things.

    All the best
    Em

    • 4 months ago

      by gopi nath

      thank for encouraging me em thanks a lot

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