time

by gopi nath   Jun 13, 2017


money is the taste everyone feels
love is the sick which doesn't heels
time is second goes away

2


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  • 6 months ago

    by Em

    I like these short inspiring pieces but I have a challenge for you to try and make them go a little further, let me elaborate with this piece....

    money is the taste everyone feels (good start) but why ??

    Love is the sick which doesn't heels
    ^^
    Again another good part which rhymes but heels should be heals here again why doesn't it heal us?? And why do you describe love as sick??

    time is second goes away
    ^
    Now this confused me a little as you were talking about love then went to time it would be better in my opinion if you told us why the seconds pass by is it because of love or the yearning for love??

    Please don't take this personally I just have faith that you can go alot further with your work that's all.

    Best wishes
    Em

    • 6 months ago

      by mossgirl19

      Agree with Em, Gopi. i believe that you have certainly the talent to write longer pieces...where Ideas are express ed clearly to have that connection to the reader. Also...if you like shorter pieces, it will be lovely if you try some poetic forms like haikus and senryus...might really be great! Keep on inking!

    • 6 months ago

      by gopi nath

      i am just a starter em i will improve much better and thanks for letting me know my mistakes so that i can grow:-)

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