I came for love, I came for peace,
I came to have the bad released
From in my soul - to make things right -
To try and get some sleep tonight!
But clouds are rife - they hide the moon -
They took the joy from me too soon
And bled my heart of all things pure,
So now I stand without a cure.
A sorry show that I put on;
My play is flawed and has gone wrong.
Who pays to watch the actor's tears?
Who thrives off grief and woe and tears?
Each one of you can answer that
(You the cat and I the rat)
Accept these flowers - watch them wilt -
I hope your covers and your quilts
Waylay the guilt that you should feel...
Who bends my spokes and spikes my wheels?
The Winter's snow is sharp as glass
And sunshine melts my foolish mask
So do not read these words with mirth
For mirth is dearth with me but words
Can hide all that and make you think
That I'm afloat and do not sink.
I do. I drown. Am I quite clear?
I drown in years of fears and tears.
When the body is tired but the brain just won't shut down. It is getting to the point that we can't stop thinking and actually overthink. The nights are mighty long. You actually feel like you are drowning. Thank you for sharing. Take care Ben
Ben I cannot add much that hasnt already been said about the rhyming and the flow of this piece but I'm not sure if you or anyone else has read this aloud but just to let you know it's much better read out to oneself even if you look like you're speaking to yourself haha.
Title - no one seems to have commented on the fact that the title rhymes which in my opinion gives a boost to the start of the piece on its own, if that makes sense.
1/ I really enjoyed the start of this piece as it put an image in my mind of a person in the edge running into a church and asking for forgiveness not for things they've done but for things they haven't - those words they couldn't speak and the things they were scared of doing because I think that's where a lot of peoples regret comes from - the chances we haven't taken and what better way than to ask for forgivness from our creator? I can feel the desperation/urgency in the words.
2/ firstly love the word 'rife' and thoss clouds are the most certainly undesirable when they hide the moon or sun making us feel rather chilled and depressed which is one reason I dislike winter because of its natural darkness and cold. Once again I like the imagert you portray here of a person bleeding out their pureness and standing without a cure from I'm guessing the darkness within their own minds.
3/ I absolutely loved this part because to me the 'play' is in fact your life and to describe it has being flawed in my opinion is extremely saddening but I guess it can be classed as 'flawed' when things don't go our way but we have to remember we are not show monkeys and we will some times take the wrong path on life but it all helps in shaping our futures and helping us make decisions even if sometimes those decisions are completely wrong and off balance so to speak. Personally I think those questions you ask at the end here are extremely powerful and important because we'd like the answer to be no one but in reality people do thrive on our weaknesses unfortunately and they are only happy when we ourselves are sad.
4/ first and foremost you're far from a rat especially in poetry but I know exactly what you mean by that those people that make you out to be s hit on their shoe and treat you like you're worthless when in fact in my opinion and many peoples here you're not anyway I digress... The imagery of those flowers wilting in your hands or is that in theirs hmm I prefer the latter as they're the bad guys making you out to be this horrible person you are not (just a view) and it's like then touching them starves them of things they most need to live.
5/ I know this probably has a deeper meaning but for now I cannot fathom it out though I guess it states beauty is only skin deep and you don't know someone (again my view) until you've lived with them so my mum always says and she's right.. I guess what I mean is that we hurt the people we love the most. Those last two lines are really personally for you I think as I know summer (if I remember rightly) is your favourite season so the sun brings you out of your shell but brings with it the same woes as winter does in the end thus melting your foolish mask - I did have to laugh here, at myself, as though I know glass and mask are near rhymes which you're most famous for lol I replaced mask with ass for some reason not just once either though admittedly your mask fits perfectly (please don't read this the wrong way haha)
6/ words - the be all and end all of everything that's all. Loved this part by the way as we can say I'm fine quite easily but being in fact fine is much harder to do some days, right?
Couplet/ I totally understand you Ben because I unfortunately feel the same and in my experience half of these fears are made up ones that could never happen due to anxiety which make those tears all to real.
Another profound and emotional write.