I enjoyed the continued imagery of the blue eyes, and how it followed through the entire poem; it really ties everything together nicely. I enjoyed this journey, thank you.
11 months ago
by Ben Pickard
This was indeed honest and emotional work and interestingly rhymed throughout. Thoroughly enjoyed.
Take care and all the best,
11 months ago
It's a little long for my taste, and there are some things that could have been condensed but otherwise this piece has tons of emotion and a story to it as well so nicely done there. However, some of the rhymes felt not forced, but out of place - you had a decent vocabulary and everything made sense, but the type of words you chose at the beginning of a stanza vs the end of it were different levels and sometimes drastically, which made it difficult to gain a sense of who you are or what the heck your poetic voice really sounds like (which was frustrating for me because that's one of my favorite parts of poetry). But I mean other than that which seems like a big thing, but was actually relatively minor this was a good write and it had some touches of beauty that really left me stunned.
Thankyou. I write as I think, so it's always a rough draft, except I don't know how to edit. In this instance, though, I didn't really know how to say what I wanted, so it's jilted because it was the only way I could write it.
I don't really have a poetic voice. I just have thoughts jangling away, that I can make neither head nor tail of. I hope that as I fathom these emotions, I'll start to make more sense, because I found its flow weong, too, & my use of some words, as you say, which had no place there. x