I enjoyed the continued imagery of the blue eyes, and how it followed through the entire poem; it really ties everything together nicely. I enjoyed this journey, thank you.
1 year ago
by Ben Pickard
This was indeed honest and emotional work and interestingly rhymed throughout. Thoroughly enjoyed.
Take care and all the best,
1 year ago
It's a little long for my taste, and there are some things that could have been condensed but otherwise this piece has tons of emotion and a story to it as well so nicely done there. However, some of the rhymes felt not forced, but out of place - you had a decent vocabulary and everything made sense, but the type of words you chose at the beginning of a stanza vs the end of it were different levels and sometimes drastically, which made it difficult to gain a sense of who you are or what the heck your poetic voice really sounds like (which was frustrating for me because that's one of my favorite parts of poetry). But I mean other than that which seems like a big thing, but was actually relatively minor this was a good write and it had some touches of beauty that really left me stunned.
Thankyou. I write as I think, so it's always a rough draft, except I don't know how to edit. In this instance, though, I didn't really know how to say what I wanted, so it's jilted because it was the only way I could write it.
I don't really have a poetic voice. I just have thoughts jangling away, that I can make neither head nor tail of. I hope that as I fathom these emotions, I'll start to make more sense, because I found its flow weong, too, & my use of some words, as you say, which had no place there. x