Comments : Parallel universe

  • 6 months ago

    by Hellon

    You know I did ask on a previous poem if this would be your last verse as you had stated but...I'm so glad to see this post today. It's a very beautiful write (as was you last one) I'm a fan of centred poetry..every since Janis made it available haha so...I just think it would look better presented that way...it's up to you, of course.

    If I had to pick a favourite part. and believe me it would be very difficult but..

    Meeting you was a happy accident,
    and
    knowing you was more than a blessing.

    I just loved that!

    Glad to see you had one more poem in you but...dig deep, I'm sure there's plenty more :)

  • 6 months ago

    by mossgirl19

    It's great to see a new post from you and one that is so poetically beautiful, flowing smoothly and beautifully worded.

  • 6 months ago

    by Ren

    Ohhhhh my. This is absolutely gorgeous. The tenderness of this poem and your sweet words just melt me. I am a puddle. Beautiful write! Just...wow...

    (<3)^love button has been clicked!

  • 6 months ago

    by Maple Tree

    <3 <3 <3 this beautiful poem

  • 6 months ago

    by Poetess

    Sometimes the "dreadful mistakes" make for some of the best poems.

  • 6 months ago

    by naaz

    Hi, SG, first of all, thank you for not writing another essay. Actually, these days, people are writing essays instead of poems. They get nominated because of the content, I guess.

    Whenever we write something, for example: a letter, an essay etc., we have to follow that pattern that structure which is made for it or in which it should be written.

    The meaning of a poem is to pour out all our emotions in fewer words. It does not matter which format(free verse, Acrostic, sonnets etc) we choose while writing a poem but it should portray all the emotions in fewer words and with a good structure.

    If I have to be more honest, I loved what you did with the poem, but even the structure of this poem could have been better.
    See, SG, there are brilliant poets here and I just want to name only one of them and you should take advice from him about the structure. The hat-trick man himself 'Michael'. He always comes with originality and variations, with different structures and styles. We are here to help each other. He will definitely help you to improve the structure part of your poems.

    You also give variations to your poems like this word 'drop' and I read how you wrote the word 'walking' in your poem desolation.
    See, it's originality, it's you.

    I loved this poem the moment I read it. One reason I already told you about the nomination that it did not appear to me like an essay; the other one is obviously the beauty, the flow like everyone else said.

    The language of the poem is all about regret, or mistakes (intentionally or unintentionally), and because of those mistakes you did in the past you are not in peace with your soul even in your present.
    Start of the poem was average but end was far better. It shows one should never quit. Where there is life, there is always hope. Hope in the form of a better world, a better future. You still have it in you and even after so many seasons have been passed or all those sufferings you have been through, you wait for her return to live in that world you once imagined with her.

    Second, third and last stanza highlighted this poem very well. You are full of talent and potential, Just a little bit work on structure.
    Keep on penning!

    All the best!

  • 6 months ago

    by Ya----Na

    Thnx bro for going so deep
    Definitely try to structure it well

  • 6 months ago

    by Scott Cole

    Congratulations on ur win!!!!

  • 6 months ago

    by naaz

    Congratulations SG!

  • 6 months ago

    by Hope

    I see the loss, beautiful.

  • 6 months ago

    by mossgirl19

    Congratulations on the win! Very beautiful poem.

  • 6 months ago

    by Dagmar Wilson

    Congrats on your win.

  • 6 months ago

    by silvershoes

    Made the hairs on my arms stand up. Congratulations on your win.

  • 6 months ago

    by Ren

    Congrats on the win! :)

  • 6 months ago

    by Ya----Na

    Thanks to Scott, hope, Mel, Jane, Dagmar, Ren, and yes naaz for nominating it.

  • 6 months ago

    by Milly Hayward

    Poems are subjective and so what pleases one reader may not appeal to another. Also different readers have different interpretations of what they are reading. Congratulations on a well deserved win. I would like to leave you my comments and interpretation of this winning piece.

    For me this is a thought provoking piece which takes us on a journey through the mind of a man who once thought friendship could be something more. He dreamed of a world where the woman he loved might just one day travel the world he had imagined with him but sadly she doesn't share his dream and the journey rapidly descends into a tale of two star struck lovers kept apart through circumstance.

    The first part of the poem leads us through seasonal pleasures like the rays of Summer,
    snowflakes of winter, songs of Spring and walking through the leaves of Autumn. The things
    you notice most when you are with the love of your life. A memory of something that they once shared. The comparison the writer gives now is that there is no joy or movement between the seasons for him, his life has lost momentum without her presence.

    He is left drowning in a monsoon his heart cold, lost and adrift. The writer reminisces that their
    meeting was an accident which to him became so much more than a simple blessing. Everything was in alignment and he felt his life was beautiful like a well written poem floating in the stars. It was to him a heavenly time.

    Then one fateful day everything became cursed and it seemed that he had moved into a parallel
    universe and not a place he wished to be. As the darkness envelopes his life the poem changed in tone
    and becomes more intricate in its imagery. Emotion paints a darker picture of lost tranquillity,guilt, choices and mistakes made.

    All is unravelling and the writer attempts to show her through poetry how he feels. She rejects him and the gap between them grows. Finally in the last stanza is the subtle almost missed reveal that she is married and that whilst she is not happily married she believes strongly in the devotion and fidelity of marriage and will not consider betrayal.

    Despite all of the this the writer will not give up on his love and instead speaks of his hope that one day she will remove this curtain of fidelity that keeps them apart and that they will then be together finally in the beautiful world that he imagines for them both

    A beautiful story of love unfulfilled with subtle intricacies which has all the thrill of a Romeo and Juliet style romance. The thought that they could both find happiness in a different world but are instead trapped kept apart by a tiny word "constancy" (constancy meaning quality of being faithful, fidelity) is to me romantic at so many different levels.

    An excellent poem well done. All my best wishes Milly x

    • 6 months ago

      by Ya----Na

      Thank milly and yes you are right about everything.

  • 6 months ago

    by Poetess

    Congrats on your win!

  • 5 months ago

    by C Cattaway

    Gosh. This is beautiful.
    Congratulations on your win.
    Catherine x

  • 5 months ago

    by Meena Krish

    Sub judge Comment:

    You have put in your whole heart and soul into it and
    brought it out into the open! I like the emotions that has
    been not displayed but “said” the feelings felt instead of
    just tagged. I also like the break between the stanzas with
    the word “drop” running down. This poem though long it
    was worth the read!! Excellent!!

    Congrats on the Win!

  • 5 months ago

    by Nee

    You know what I truly enjoy about your writings, Shane? It's that it always feels like you're pouring your heart, mind, and soul into the pieces and giving us a glimpse of what's inside, just a glimpse. Your writings are wonderful as always. I never read a poem for you just once. I read it once then give myself a day or two then come again. That's how much I love the depth in your poetry.

    I enjoyed this so much. And I want to sincerely thank you because I'm trying so hard to get back to writing and your pieces are profoundly helping me do that :)

    Never stop writing, ever!
    Nema