Comments : Castigated

  • 8 months ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Em, either I misread this or the whole thing strikes as rather dark and unnerving.
    To castigate is to give someone a rather firm telling off. Okay, a good title but - like all good senryu - we are given little else.
    'your blue eyes mock me' - sounds rather domineering but from someone you are close to. I only say this because the 'blue eyes' bit suggests it is personal - you certainly know this person well enough to know the colour of their eyes as they are 'mocking' you. It also subtly suggests that this isn't an uncommon scenario.
    'disapproving my lateness'. Firstly, would 'admonishing' be better there? Not sure - a tad less clumsy perhaps? Your choice. Anyway, it follows on: you are being mocked for being late - seems quite harsh; it certainly isn't the end of the world in most cases. Again, the dark and intimidating feel is noticible here,
    'I'm soon shown who's boss' - not sure I like that, from a domestic point - not poetically, I should make clear. It is a great last line. Boyfriend? father? Someone clearly who has a dangerous and unhealthy power over you that even, perhaps, is unforgivably physical.
    I could have all this wrong - perhaps you were late to bed for a daily sex game and it all got rather 50 shades of grey... :)

    Take care, Em

  • 8 months ago

    by - Mr. Darcy

    Hi Em (I love it!)

    Is there a typo in line 3? Should it say 'I'll soon show 'em who's boss'

    ((hugs))

  • 8 months ago

    by Kitty Cat Lady

    Ouch Em! So much said with so few words. You've painted a whole sinister scene in my mind. Cleverly done and therefore nominated :-) x
    =^.^=

  • 8 months ago

    by Hellon

    For some reason I thought of a cat...blue eyes? just has to be siamese. I'm probably totally wrong BTW but I like the idea of a human showing a cat who's boss...like it will ever happen LOL!!