Miss Kitty this is a fine effort of a sonnet, great story and not an easy piece of 'formed' to crack.
All I will say is have a look again at the 'meter'
Although you have 10 syllables in each line count, which is great the meter is slightly out:
Its almost like counting in a beat all the way through the poem, but also it is how they are read, from to one person and another. I must admit it took me sometime to get, and I think this should be part of the 'formed poetry' thread.
Anyway fab, and you are almost there lady
Kitty soon you will have a new name on pnq, poetry woman. Kitty, whenever I read this sonnet it looks like Ben or Michael has wrote it. I don't know much about sonnets technical aspects like syllables count etc but you crafted it so well and it looked beautiful. What is your next super power, poetry woman?
Kitty, it is always good to read a poem that flows well. Of course a sonnet, is supposed to do this, especially one with iambic pentameter. Now I am no expert, but I have written a few and, if I may, I will critique this one. Hopefully we'll both discover a thing or two through this process.
The title, seems to be telling me of a journey to the moon and back. This is probably a metaphor, an emotional one. The word 'down' could be an inevitable 'down' after an 'up' period?
I am unsure about the title, perhaps this is because I like to be more mysterious with mine?
Okay, the main body - 3 quatrains, each having 4 lines, 5 metric beats, per line and iambic meter (non-stress/ stressed)
I will highlight the 5 metric beats and * the ones that seem off to me.
'Reflect' 'I beg' 'on how' 'I used' 'to swoon'
'On your' '*sweet words' '*that held' 'me far' 'aloft'
Here I am hearing two stressed words. They read fine, but this may version may help:
'the sweet''est words', 'that held' 'me far' 'aloft'
'I tru''ly thought' 'that I' '*could touch' 'the moon'
'With words' 'of love' 'you sang' 'to me' 'so soft'
'But can' 'you tell' '*me in' 'all truth' 'that I'
'*While pand''ering' 'to your' '*each wish' 'and whim'
While pandering to ev'ry wish and whim
'Did not' '*give my' '*whole wound''ed heart' 'to try'
Here I hear a stressed then non stressed, then two equal stresses.
You failed to give my wounded heart to try
I appreciate this probably changes the context, but hopefully offers an insight to how the line might look when finished.
'And save' 'us from' '*this sor''ry end' 'so grim'
and save us from a sorry end so grim
'*If I'm' '*the on''ly one' 'to blame' 'for this'
Perhaps the blame is mine for all of this
'*Then I' '*shall have' 'to live' 'my life' 'in pain'
I then will walk my path of life in pain
'If you' 'believe' 'I shat''*tered all' 'the bliss'
'*Then all' 'the years' 'I loved' 'you were' 'in vain'
This needs a little work
It's such a very long way to fall down
Into the deepest ocean where I drown.
The final rhyming couplet should summarise the entire poem - does it?
Kitty - you should be proud of this sonnet, as I am too, for you. I hope others comment and help out as my views are those of an amateur enthusiast.
Michael this is massively helpful and I just know I'm going to refer back to it when I write the next ones. The whole stressed/unstressed thing is becoming much clearer to me now. I agree, I could probably have come up with a better couplet to summarise too. You're really rather good at this whole critique thing!
I'm not going to fiddle with this one any more because I kind of want it as a record of my first attempt - if that makes sense?
Thanks so so much for your time, your valuable help and for the nomination ... yay! xx
I will just copy and paste this pm, Kitty, so others can see my take on what is a very good sonnet indeed. Michael, I see, has beaten me to the nomination however!
Brute honesty? I have gone over this three times thoroughly and I have to be brutally honest...I am genuinely impressed by this. The content isn't sacrificed for the form, by which I mean it is so cuttingly sad and pleading, and that's what shines through more than anything else. Your voice as the person who tried so hard in a relationship you obviously did your best to nurture is loud and strong here.
To the meter and syllables. You show a clear knack for rhyme anyway, and your stabs at formed poetry on the thread have been excellent and this is no diffent. The correct syllable count - 10 per line split into five iambic feet - give the piece what Michael likes to call 'music'. You can tap your hand along and almost sing a well written sonnet. And you can do that with this. The meter is near enough spot on. In regards to that, it is all in iambic pentameter, but there are syllables we write sometimes that are unforced/forced, but only just if you get my meaning. Second from last line, for example. 'to fall' - the to is stressed and the 'fall' is unstressed as it should be there ... but only just. Say 'to fall' - the 'fall' is only just weaker if that makes any sense at all.
I am nitpicking for the sake of it, and they are things that with practice you hear and say 'oh, maybe I could find a clearer iambic foot (unstressed/stressed) but the truth is, you have a clear knack for these and this is excellent. We shall have to write one togethre sometime, if you will have me!
Ben thanks again for your wise words and encouraging and useful comments, this is all so helpful and I really want to be able to progress and get it right ... the cogs are whirring and it's all starting to fall into place now :-)
And, of course I'd be honoured to write one with you oh 'Ben of the Sonnets' :-) x