for the longest time afterward, i didnt want to get over her
i didnt want to move on, didnt want to be happy
id actively fight with myself to not get over her
i thought that if i somehow started to move on, id close the door to something
something i would never get back
a feeling so old, it had become a part of what i considered "me"
one of the my oldest parts
and moving on would change that. change me.
it scared me. to think differently about her.
so i held on.
miserable, every day
id put on all the songs we'd share.
and collect new songs that made me think of her
id look at her photo and wished i could see her face again.
remembered our conversations and wished i could hear her voice again.
i did this knowing it just made me feel horrible. but i did it anyway
i did not want to believe she was gone.
i thought id be like this forever. i could not see a way out.
i went into despair
not wanting to get over her is one thing,
actually doing it is another.
in most instances,
doing something without wanting to do it doesnt change the fact that it gets done.
but not with this.
i couldnt even begin to do this until i first changed my thinking.
i had to want to move on. i had to want to fight for it.
it wasnt just going to spontaneously happen on its own.
no matter how much time passed.
love can make us do incredible things.
it can also make us blind to so much.
if never getting over you was a part of who i am.
i guess that means i am no longer that person.
for better or worse, ive left an old me behind.
and how do i feel?