Comments : Windchill

  • 5 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    I'm not sure why this piece made me emotional. Maybe because of how unnerving it is to read, how impending that loneliness is, how inevitable that pain in our souls.

    That being said, this was one or my favorites from you and possibly one of the strongest I've read in a bit. You not only created an atmosphere but left me wondering how it is possible to feel so utterly alone, when often, we are merely surviving together. We are all riding out the pain somehow, in different ways.

    That idea of a destination leading nowhere. This whole poem made me think of that which we strive toward and walk toward, but we never truly can grasp or guarantee what's ahead.

    "that the promise land, either has never been
    or isn't there any longer,"

    - Whether spiritual or not, I interpreted "promise land" as applying to all of society as some kind of haven from our fears and insecurities. Perhaps a paradise to some, the religious, or an escape to others.

    "that these vacuum of whirling voids"

    - I thought "this" would sound better than "these" here because vacuum is singular.

    "like we are just pendulums of our own
    some crucified flesh
    on the cross of our bones."

    - This physically gave me chills. I think it worked really well how you mentioned the promise land then give the images of crucifixion.

    "These tickets are pretended;
    there are no destination
    but turning around ever intended,"

    - This sounded a bit awkward to me. Simply my opinion and perception of this, but I think it might sound better as "pretend" without the added "ed". Then, grammatically, I believe it would sound better "there is no destination" or "there are no destinations".

    "Here, there are no maps
    but the fresh paint of pains
    in the blueprint of our bones."

    - These were my three favorite lines in the entire poem. I love how it sounds "p of p" snd "b of b" and there's such a raw, visible outcry of pain here. It's loud in its colors.

    Nominated and will be reading again.

    • 5 years ago

      by ddavidd

      What a wonderful and inspiring comment dear PotP. I implemented your suggestions, merely because they were good ones. I hope you like them
      Thanks again