I'll Be Smiling When I Fall

*I know it's long but please read all of it... I've been working very hard on it... PLEASE READ IT!*

Hollow thoughts run through my mind
A depressed figure before my eyes
She hides all that she really is
The cuts, bruises, and the cries

She never shows who she really is
She always hides behind her disguise
All the while everyone is convinced
That she's all real, no lies

Beautifully scarred, carefully covered
Tear stained face, bloodshot eyes
Purple bruises, painful fists
Thinning waist, silent cries

Sad but true, this is the way she is
She's changed from the person we always used to see
She longs for someone to change her back
Back into the person she used to be

Her body is covered in beautiful cuts
The rest covered in scars carefully hidden
Her tear stained face so perfect and pure
Holds the deepest, darkest secrets forbidden

Her bloodshot eyes are so cold and so distant
She makes it impossible to see into her heart
She's made herself immune to the pain
Caused from her heart slowly falling apart

Her purple bruises that give her skin radiance
Are caused by her father's clenched fists
It's all a reaction because the pain also shows
When she carves the radiance onto her wrists

She sits in her room all day and night
Getting thinner by the day from refusing to eat
She locks herself in her tiny closet
From fear of always getting beat

She cries in the closet but no one hears
For her cries go unheard all the while
And when she leaves her little world
She always manages to put on a smile

She stares into her mirror in disbelief
Looking at the girl who stares back into her eyes
This girl with cuts, bruises and her slowly thinning waist
This girl who constantly wishes she dies

As I stare at this girl everyday
I slowly begin to feel her pain
But then I see that this girl is really me
And I'm living this life in vain

Disgusted of the person I’ve become
This depression is stuck within me like a curse so black
Trapped within the blood flowing through my veins
Preventing me from ever changing back

I turn away from the image before my eyes
I look for my silver blade in my drawer
It glints at me, as though it’s smiling
The urge so strong, impossible to ignore

“Come out my friend, it’s time to play”
I pick up my blade and push the tip through
My own little way of coping with everything
It’s my favorite thing to do

As I sit and watch the blood redden more
I feel the most subtle, most precious pain
I feel the warm blood trickle over my skin
I feel the hatred burning through my vein

In my make believe world of red skies and red rivers
I sit motionless beneath a red willow
I come back to myself, sitting on my bloody bed
With my face pressed deep down into the pillow

Once again this girl is so messed up
I look into her bloodshot eyes, leaking tears
I can tell she never wanted to end up this way
She’s turned into one of my life’s greatest fears

Why does this girl have to be me?
I hate seeing myself suffer this way
I’m unable to escape from this lasting depression
The depression only worsens day by day

In my room I slowly fall apart and drown in my tears
I fall faster into a deep hole so dark
My only way of getting out of this hole
Causes my arm to be covered in red marks

My porcelain face is stained by black tears
A sign that I have fallen apart once more
But when I leave this sanctuary of mine
I will have the smile I had before

So no matter how depressed I may be inside
I will never let my pain show
I may fall and be broken in every way
And you will never know

My depression is known to only me and that girl
It is unknown to my friends, family and all
And with this disguise that I always wear
I’ll still be smiling when I fall

*Well, this poem describes me VERY well... it's me... unfortunately*

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