The cold of the night

by Lenny   Sep 17, 2005


A chill runs down her spine as she sits waiting in the cold of the night.
Her eyes dart around - suspicious of every rustling leave,
and each twigs echoing crack,
She checks her watch,
once,
twice.
A gust of wind tears her hair from her shoulders
twisting and matting it playfully.
She blinks her eyes,
Her lids a weight,
and fights the desire to close them for good.
She exhales a lingering breath,
and pulls her jacket tight.
The chill and her emotions make her shudder.
She is coated in darkness and lets it consume her.
The dense atmosphere of the night reaches,
grasps
and
strangles her,
until, at last
she comes to terms with her fate,
She breathes a final breath,
And her soul departs her flesh,
As her body is left
Swaying in the breeze,
To the beatless rhythm of her demise.

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Latest Comments

  • 18 years ago

    by Matt

    I really liked how the story developed. At first I expected the girl to be waiting for a lover ot companion, but then that she was waiting to die came as an afterthought. One problem i have was in lines 17-20, I didn't quite understand why you broke the sentence into the 4 lines. It did give more of a stutter to my reading, which if intended was very effective; if it was not the intent, I'd suggest reworking that part. Good work.

  • 18 years ago

    by Drew Gold

    Wow,.. lol ive never actually seen my comments really applied.. i think this revision is a lot better.. the other one was good too.,. but this was an improvement..

    As her body is left
    Swaying in the breeze,
    To the beatless rhythm of her demise.

    loved that ending, it really tied up with the whole 'nature' element in the poem.. good job!

  • 18 years ago

    by AhmadAfaneh

    Good job.. so far so gud... keep it up.
    check oput some of ma poems if u have some free time.
    :)

  • 18 years ago

    by Drew Gold

    Good job on this one.. you set the mood of the story by showing feelings she has and things she observes.. the beginning does a good job of portraying that anxious state of mind.. to me its basically a woman waiting to die, but still scared of it actually happening,.. this is a feeling easily relatable..

    Her eyes dart around suspicious of every rustling leave,
    and(each?) cracking twig.

    sounds weird to me, although it isnt wrong in anyway.. maybe change 'and' to 'each',.. furthermore, u could expand and say,.. "her eyes dart around, suspicious of each rustling leaf, every single crack of a twig in the distance/(darkness?)"

    just some suggestions to ponder..

    She blinks her eyes,
    her eyelids heavy,

    even th0 this sounds good and is still in league with the prevailing mood, i think it can be expressed.. more poetically i guess.. it just doesnt seem to flow off thew tip of my tongue..

    The dense atmosphere of the night reaches,
    grasps
    and
    strangles her,

    favorite part of the poem..

    all in all it was a pretty sound poem.. i think u could elaborate more in parts, such as why she wants to die,.. or also more specifically HOW she dies.. but the vagueness of her death is quite appealing, so it might not be beneficial to change that.. anyway good poem, lot of feel and depth.. keep em comin =O)

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