Fantasy or Reality

* this poem is a bit long but please read and enjoy.

Fantasy or Reality
which is which i can\'t tell
my chest aching heart breaking
this is how i dwell.
Live my life like a shell
hurt sad and breaking
living inside me is hell
so what is the reason for my making.
Start at the beginning where it began
the first year of school
i got bullied and i sang
so then my life was nowhere near cool.
I don\'t remember a lot
only the hurt and pain
i tried to be happy
now i can\'t live through the shame.
It was only words
how could they hurt?
sticks and stones right?
so why do i feel like dirt.
In high school i had enough
i snapped in a second
i had some fights even though i wasn\'t tough
everyone hated me that\'s what i reckoned.

I ask myself was i to blame
what was my problem
i never fit in
i felt like an outcast.

I went through a phase of wanting to die
so did my friend
all i did was cry.
Every night and everyday
i kept my head down
just wanting the bullies to pay
but this is reality so i just frown.
I don\'t want to leave the house
i sit all day reading a book
i move around like a mouse
but as hard as i try people still look.
All the comments hit their target
it\'s like a shot from a gun
each sounds with a smack
whilst my heart goes crack.
Now I\'m in college I\'m in a ball
trapped in sadness
while the bullies stare i hate them all
what am i doing in this madness?
The tears have stopped
i can\'t shed anymore
my like dropped like a roller coster
I\'ve lost control.
Spiraling down wards
help i can\'t stop
sinking in sadness
no hope to stay afloat.
Encased is how I feel
Moving mechanically
On an obstinate wheel
Broken sad alone.
Everyone leaves me
Friends and family
Everyone
Who said life was supposed to be fun.
Yeah I have a life
A family and a home
So why do I feel I donâ??t belong.
My emotions control my life
Hate sadness and anger
They cause me strife
So how do I get back in control?
No one understands me
No one can help
All alone in my shell
No glimmer of hope.

Fantasy or Reality
Which is which I canâ??t tell
All I know is I canâ??t cope
This is how I dwell.

© 2006 Natalie Hawke

*thanks for reading please comment.