Lease!! This poem was fantabulous! I dont even know what to say!! This is one of your best poems yet. It's all so true, and perfect and just beautiful. I love it!! But I love you more. =]] I miss you.x Ttysoooon! K?

` Glenduh!

Nicely written, the message was great. except im offering a little suggestion on the structure of the poem.

Hearts break baby,
and yet the world still spins,
We're all aiming for victory,
but no one ever wins,
We're born into this selfish world
with our heads held high,
Oblivious to our destiny,
we're only born to die,
Time passes slowly,
but you fail to catch your breath,
Your hoping to succeed in life,
but your destiny is death,
You try to act superior,
but babe you're far from great,
No matter how you try,
you cannot change your fate,
One day you're the future,
and next thing you're the past
Lost moments, forgotten loves, time just doesn't last,
Smiling every minute,
or crying every day,
No matter how you live your life you'll someday fade away.

Hearts break baby,
and tears they tend to drop,
But over time those tears dry up,
and hearts will always stop.

i think it could then be broken down into more stanzas.

and i think there is a little overdose of but's, however it sounds fine.

great job.

Time does have that affect of mending; good thing too :D i was captured and affixiated by this poem. a twisted mixed up feeling i shalt have really. 5/5 love.

The meter in this was very fluent; the rhyme was also faultless. That's the difference about us Lisa, you rhyme well and I don't... so I stay away from it!!
This was simple and sweet. The simplicity actually made it refreshingly enjoyable.
I spotted one homophone mistake (my speciality lol) On the sixth line it should be "you're hoping..."
Thanks for sharing.

Awww this sad, but wonderfully written. it has soo much meaning to it. very well job on it! 5/5

~Kristina

This was a great poem, flow rocked, and the topic was suicidal! (<--good way =])
I don't really agree with this line though:
"No matter how you try you cannot change your fate"
Because I believe fate can only rule you if you let it. (Freedom, we all have it) And I don't like the idea of me not having control over my life...
But I'm not rating on wether you believe what I believe, it's deff. a 5/5! Great job!

-Liz-
~of life to live, I gave it all up~

Hearts break baby and yet the world still spins,
^^Powerful start..
Excellent work...the poem was well penned filled with some sort of emotion which stood out through the lines..lol...there is so much of truth in this poem...many powerful lines put togther=)
Good job!
5/5
xxPoojaxx

Powerful words, babe.
I loved it! The truth was told!
I'm in a strange mood. ;x
ily, m'dear.
xxxxx
Take care!

Holy moly that's awesome. I can't believe the fabulousness of this poem. It flows like a song, and I could almost hear the melody, it was that good! Wow.

Eeek. Love it. [Yes, I seem to love all your poems.] Your words just scream bluntness. It was so very true. All your poems are true. Haha. You always seem to have really great endings. I struggle with my endings, I can never think of things that will stick with people even after they've stopped reading. I admire you for that.

Okay, I've actually got a suggestion this time. If I were you, I'd put in more punctuation, because you have to guess at where to pause, but that's the only thing I'd change about this.

Amazing, darling.
I hope to read much more from you.

Keep writing!
Cayce

"Hearts break baby and yet the world still spins,
We're all aiming for victory but no one ever wins,"
^^^
[I really love this begging line. It's very strong and very true. It hit home. Very creative. And nice rhyme. It just flows from the mouth.]

"We're born into this selfish world with our heads held high,
Oblivious to our destiny we're only born to die,"
^^^
[Usually I don't like the same word used within a stanza of each other.. But here, using "born" twice really emphasised your wording. Though "high" and "die" are cliche rhymes, it flows well. I'm not liking this line as much as the first, but it's still pretty strong.]

"Time passes slowly but you fail to catch your breath,
You're hoping to succeed in life but your destiny is death,"
^^^
[Again, cliche rhyming, but I think I like it. It finds, kind of. I really like the first line. "Fail to catch your breath" I don't know, but I like that a lot.]

"You try to act superior but babe you're far from great,"
^^^
[I really like this line. It's so true for a lot of the people in this world. Everyone thinks they're so much better than everyone else, but they're probably not. Yeah, some are great in some aspects to others, but we all have our flaws.]

"No matter how you try you cannot change your fate,"
^^^
[Honestly, I just don't like this line.]

"One day you're the future and next thing you're the past"
^^^
[Again, I love this line. It's unique, and it has a quality of sadness to it that I adore. Nicely penned.]

"Lost moments, forgotten loves, time just doesn't last,"
^^^
["time just doesn't last" -- sounds a bit weird. That could just be me, of course. But, that's my opinion.]

"Smiling every minute or crying every day,
No matter how you live your life you'll someday fade away."
^^^
[I also think "someday" sounds a bit weird. To me "somehow" or "fade away one day" etc. sounds better. But, that's only me.
However, I really like the message behind these lines.]

"Hearts break baby and tears they tend to drop,
But over time those tears dry up and hearts will always stop. "
^^^
[I liked the message of this poem, but the ending seemed weak. The beginning and ending obviously should be the strongest and you didn't sell the ending for me. But I love that first line.]

And.
I'm a grammar freak
so I have to mention:
your punctuation is off. I'm not sure you care about that kind of thing, but I believe punctuation helps the flow immensly.

Not too bad, though.

xTheEcstasyofSuicidex 5.5

Brilliant, from beginning to line 12 (I'll get to the end later). An expressive and very definitive piece, I must say, I am pleased to have randomly clicked on your profile after seeing your post in the discussion board! That aside, your style of writing and delivery was superb; not only did you immaculately maintain your sense of rhythm; you knew exactly how to develop your ideas. And though some would label your language 'simple', I think this is precisely what anchors your piece. You make sharp and precise ‘poetic statements’ (if you like) that seem to roll off your tongue with no problem, and this is a exceptional quality in a writer, so very well done. Quite honestly, I have never been a massive fan of the term ‘babe’. It puts me off a little, lol. However, reading it in the very conversationalist tone you have, it seems to work; so well done for managing to keep my attention :)

My only two concerns lie in the following.
a) “time just doesn't last,” –this was perhaps the only point where rhythm was a little ‘off’. Because the rest of your lines seem to possess a sense of ‘full rhyme’, this one begs to differ slightly. What I would suggest is perhaps extending the line simply to ‘time just doesn’t seem to last’. This is an alternative suggesting, so you may or may not wish to comply!
b) “Hearts break baby and tears they tend to drop,
But over time those tears dry up and hearts will always stop.” –these lines are good, but that’s all they were. I didn’t quite feel the same spark as I did with the other ones. Not that they seemed forced, they just didn’t seem to possess the same honesty and realism as the rest of your poem does. I don’t have an alternative suggestion for you right now, but for now, in my humble opinion, I think line 12 would even be a great place to end.

Other than this, a marvellous read and I look forward to reading some more of your material. Well done :)

Ah, sorry about all the funny letters/symbols!

Wow. this is really great because basically its all true.
It shows alot of emotion and depth in your words. a really great flow and wording throughout the poem.

Well done. Keep it up!
*Hunny*

Simply amazing! I can relate to every single line in this poem! The flow is great and there is not a thing that I would change! This one is going on my list of "favourite poems"! GReat job!

That's a very strong message. I love the choice of words and very nice ending. Makes me think about what I do everyday.. is it really worth it since nobody makes it out alive anyways?.. 5/5!! Great Job (: