Mr. Lonely

Thanks for your comment! I dont really write or comment others poems much anymore.... but ill give it my best since u took the time to comment on mine. :)

So it was a great poem. I loved the story line, very catchy and made me keep reading. There were a few things i thought could improve..

Such beautiful days
He would wake with a smile
But the feeling soon changed

[Somewhere here you need to explain what the feeling felt like... So basically just maybe put some kind of adj before feeling?]

As their distance of miles
So far away and still they held on
Who would of thought?
Their Love would be that strong

[Again i think change that to a adj. just to give it a bit of force... try using um, the thesaurus? i use to turn to that when i needed different words hehe.]

Talking every night
Demonstrating their Love
Throwing kisses, Telling stories

[ I like the throwing kisses! Very cool!!]

Finding ways to show Love
But recently, in days he's been by his self
Was the worst feeling he has ever felt
Remedy was one that eased his pain
A shame it all ended with a slashed vein
But what was he to do?
When his heart was torn
He was lost with no clue
And he took no form
He felt so alone
In this unpleasant world
Gazing at the moon
He found that it was true
That far away Love
Is forevermore pain
Cuz in this game of lust
Mr. Lonely he became...

The rest is all fairly good. The best advice someone ever told me in my poems when i first started on this site.. was to try and not use the words, a, and, the, it, he, she, simple ones like that... i know its hard not too but they make such a difference.. I dont wanna tell you too much on what to do with your poetry.. as u could probably tell i dont write anymore.. itwas more a remedy for me when i had depression.. and well.. im as happy as i could ever be now... just keep up the good work!! You've got some good talent buddy!!!

Omg that was sooo good....keep up the great work......i luved it

And there's not just one. there are a lot of "Mr and Ms lonely"s in the world. that's saddening :(

Marjan

"Remedy was one that eased his pain
A shame it all ended with a slashed vein"

This is really touching 5/5 good job.