Wow... I don't know the whole story behind it, but the anger eminating from this poem is like huge!! It's almst a crushing blow. It's wonderful and speaks truly I'm sure. The flow and everything is wonderful.. just wow.. I'm impressed. I love it 5/5 for sure!!
Sheena, wow! You have outdid yourself.. This one is spiked with emotion! It's amazing how much you can put into the words that you use! One thing though, 'finely' shouldn't it be 'finally' ? Just asking. Great job again! :]
Really amazed by this poem, the imagery was something exceptional and the title caught my eye.
it worked really well as a whole poem, but it also worked by pulling one or two lines out of it.
Ok first ill tell you it really was a good poem, but you seemed to change the whole flow on the second to last stanza anyways it was a really good poem so somethign like that wont matter jsut thought i would throw that out there.... i really enjoyed it and i give it another 5/5
Wow this was a really powerful poem filled with lots of emotion. Such an interesting concept and maybe if I knew the whole story like you said it would make a lot more sence, but regardless I still loved it. Amazing title very unique. You painted a breathtaking picture with your words in this one and I could invision every word.
It's choking me up, the reason that I breathed, it's all going by so fast,
But just as quickly as you switch moods, the feelings come back and pass.
There's so little to loose, and I'm sure I'm the one winning;
There is no starting over, there is no new beginning.
And if you fall, this time I won't pick you up; you deserve to be down there,
I'm missing you, but I don't mind; I can finally breathe fresh air.
And maybe no one deserves to fall, but perhaps I think you do,
You've been worst thing that happened to me; even worse than the devil, it's true.
the imagery was perfect and
the flow was good too.
keep up the good work.
I love the poems with the HA I am better off without you attitude and this is why......
They seem to put things in perspective for me. I guess that is why I love that hard edge music that kind of puts you in that place and helps you understand from their perspective what the person has went through. I loved this write. I loved the rage, yet it was not overbearing. Awesome Job.
OKay... first, I really liked this. It is full of pain and betrayal that reaches out to grip the reader and swirl them along in your emotions.
But you have some SPAG problems (spelling, grammer, and punctuation) and some problems with your rhythme and flow.
They're acting as if a failure will (the) bring the schizophrenic down, (THE needs to be removed)
There's so little to loose, and I'm sure I'm the one winning; (Lose)
You've been (THE) worst thing that happened to me; even worse than the devil, it's true. (TOO MUCH... descriptives are tripping you up)
FLOW: Too few syllables in first line or too many in the second. Syllable count is important to the flow and rhythm of any poem. if it is not correct or at least close, it stumbles the reader. Too many words can also stumble the reader so be careful that your descriptives don't trip you up.
Oh, dear could this be true, like religion it's all a lie, (13 syllables)
You fed me deceit like a too good desert that we eat too much and learn to despise. (21 syllables)
We told the mind with such devilish lies that it was alright to be insane, (19 syllables)
But you don't recover from a night just like this and it feels like you have to explain. (21 syllables)
Remember, read your poem aloud and you will catch this. Count your syllables as you go along.