Comments : A Schizophrenic Can Fall Too

  • 10 years ago

    by Melpomene

    This was also an interesting poem to write about.

    "I'm missing you, but I don't mind; I can finely breathe fresh air"

    That line so strong and power it held great emotions in just a few simple words. I enjoyed this whole poem i found it to be capturing and portrayed nicely. Well done~mel

  • 10 years ago

    by xxSnow Angelxx

    Loved it!..perfect wtite..intresting

    "And if you fall, this time I won't pick you up; you deserve to be down there,
    I'm missing you, but I don't mind; I can finely breathe fresh air."
    ^^I love these lines..perfect...amazing work!

    the flow was good too...n i loved the choice of words for this one....powerful..
    Kp it up!
    5/5!!=)
    xxPoojaxx

  • 10 years ago

    by xPerfect Chaosx

    Wow... I don't know the whole story behind it, but the anger eminating from this poem is like huge!! It's almst a crushing blow. It's wonderful and speaks truly I'm sure. The flow and everything is wonderful.. just wow.. I'm impressed. I love it 5/5 for sure!!

    Much Love,
    .:Danielle:.

  • 10 years ago

    by aDORKable x3

    Sheena, wow! You have outdid yourself.. This one is spiked with emotion! It's amazing how much you can put into the words that you use! One thing though, 'finely' shouldn't it be 'finally' ? Just asking. Great job again! :]

  • 10 years ago

    by Espoirfailed

    Really amazed by this poem, the imagery was something exceptional and the title caught my eye.
    it worked really well as a whole poem, but it also worked by pulling one or two lines out of it.
    excellent job.

  • 10 years ago

    by dollwithafrown

    Wow, this is excellent. The emotions are so angry, almost in a "You let me down so here's your comeupance" type fashion.

    "You've been worst thing that happened to me; evil worse than the devil, it's true." - Shouldn't it be 'You've been [the] worst thing that['s] happened to me...'

    Overall, a wonderfully written piece.

  • 10 years ago

    by HOLLYWOODxBANGBANG

    You were right, I did love this. :] Your imagery was great as well as your flow and word choice. There were a few things that I noticed, though...

    "There's so little to loose, and I'm sure I'm the one winning;" 'loose' should be 'lose'

    "They're acting as if a failure will the bring the schizophrenic down," there are two the's.

    But...

    "And maybe no one deserves to fall, but perhaps I think you do,"

    ^^ I LOVED that line, ;]

    5.5
    :]
    <3

  • 10 years ago

    by jason

    Ok first ill tell you it really was a good poem, but you seemed to change the whole flow on the second to last stanza anyways it was a really good poem so somethign like that wont matter jsut thought i would throw that out there.... i really enjoyed it and i give it another 5/5

  • 10 years ago

    by Ashleigh Skye

    Wow this was a really powerful poem filled with lots of emotion. Such an interesting concept and maybe if I knew the whole story like you said it would make a lot more sence, but regardless I still loved it. Amazing title very unique. You painted a breathtaking picture with your words in this one and I could invision every word.

  • 10 years ago

    by Reminders Torture

    Excellent poem.
    i can realte to it very well

    It's choking me up, the reason that I breathed, it's all going by so fast,
    But just as quickly as you switch moods, the feelings come back and pass.
    There's so little to loose, and I'm sure I'm the one winning;
    There is no starting over, there is no new beginning.

    And if you fall, this time I won't pick you up; you deserve to be down there,
    I'm missing you, but I don't mind; I can finally breathe fresh air.
    And maybe no one deserves to fall, but perhaps I think you do,
    You've been worst thing that happened to me; even worse than the devil, it's true.

    great stanza.
    the imagery was perfect and
    the flow was good too.
    5/5
    keep up the good work.

    best wishes
    take care
    emmeline

  • 10 years ago

    by .K.i.T.t.Y.

    WONDERFUL POEM! I enjoyed it, every word of it. I really like your poetry. It's great.

    loose, isn't it lose? That wordalways gets me. Please clarify it for me. Thnks.

    5/5.

  • 10 years ago

    by Synh

    Once more, an excellently penned poem.

    'And if you fall, this time I won't pick you up; you deserve to be down there'

    LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVED IT! Favorite line of the entire poem.

    This was very well crafted and I found mind blowing that you were able to put so much emotion into so little words.

    I hate you. 5/5

  • 10 years ago

    by Dixiedaisy

    I love the poems with the HA I am better off without you attitude and this is why......
    They seem to put things in perspective for me. I guess that is why I love that hard edge music that kind of puts you in that place and helps you understand from their perspective what the person has went through. I loved this write. I loved the rage, yet it was not overbearing. Awesome Job.

  • 10 years ago

    by Richard Machado

    Absolutely fantastic! I sure did love it aswell; loved the revenge, and animosity.

    Great work, but a little sloppily organized. Keep up the exelent work!

    ~Richi~

  • 10 years ago

    by Loved In Hell

    This was an osm write good job 5/5

  • 10 years ago

    by Auspicious76

    OKay... first, I really liked this. It is full of pain and betrayal that reaches out to grip the reader and swirl them along in your emotions.
    But you have some SPAG problems (spelling, grammer, and punctuation) and some problems with your rhythme and flow.

    SPAG:
    They're acting as if a failure will (the) bring the schizophrenic down, (THE needs to be removed)

    There's so little to loose, and I'm sure I'm the one winning; (Lose)

    You've been (THE) worst thing that happened to me; even worse than the devil, it's true. (TOO MUCH... descriptives are tripping you up)

    FLOW: Too few syllables in first line or too many in the second. Syllable count is important to the flow and rhythm of any poem. if it is not correct or at least close, it stumbles the reader. Too many words can also stumble the reader so be careful that your descriptives don't trip you up.

    Oh, dear could this be true, like religion it's all a lie, (13 syllables)
    You fed me deceit like a too good desert that we eat too much and learn to despise. (21 syllables)
    We told the mind with such devilish lies that it was alright to be insane, (19 syllables)
    But you don't recover from a night just like this and it feels like you have to explain. (21 syllables)

    Remember, read your poem aloud and you will catch this. Count your syllables as you go along.

    I hope I was able to help

  • 10 years ago

    by Rose not your average

    This poem capture my full attention the whole way though i had a picture in my head! nice job

  • 10 years ago

    by Cedric

    One Word. Wow! I Loved It From The Beginning Until The End, Really Nice Writting Though .. Keep Working, I Really Like Your Poems .. :)