Comments : Stop me, I'm travelling through time and I have a curfew of 9
11 years ago
I'm so glad you asked me to read this... Cause, hah! It's great!
I love the word choice, and the bitter humor is terrific. I'd say about half-way through, I stopped and realized, 'holy shit, this would be an awe inspiring song...' It just has that musicality to it... Not all pre-formed and such like so many lyrics, but the kind that makes you feel... hmm. Envious of the author/poet/lyricist's talent.
I loved this line:
"But now situations sing their severity,"
The personification and alliteration are just, all... BAM! Right there at your fingertips, and it just works.
And the entire fourth stanza is what really made the poem beautiful to me.
Aw, haha. I just really liked it.
And don't think I'm saying this to be nice or any cheesy supplement such as that. I have strong opinions! Haha. And I like it. A lot.
Lol.. thankyou.. you say you don't like the until of poetic verse, and yet you almost brush upon it in a couple of places, and I think that maybe a way of you questioning your sincerity.. I think, subconsciously, that although you know he cheated, that you hoped it may turn out a different way, and I can fully understand that.. I think that this IS a great poem, for you have structured without structure, and you have expressed exactly what you feel. I wonder whether the use of the word 'liquid' was appropriate the second time, and I think it was used too much in such a short space, but I really cannot suggest anything other than that.. I really do like this poem. Well done. xx
You should have broken this up a little bit more. Like for instance, my favorite part was this..
Nine minutes till two.
51 minutes too late.
You met me at the bus stop at 8. And as they say
Buses come never or two at a time.
And I think that's how we should describe your heart and mine.
Try formatting is like this next time..
Nine minutes till two,
51 minutes too late.
you met me at the bus stop
at right around eight.
and as they say it
buses come never or two at a time
and i think that is just how
we should describe your heart and mine.
See how much better it flows together? Up to you, either way I think that verse made me fall inlove with you in a strictly poetic sense. Haha. I truly loved those lines though, and the entire poem. It was quite sad write and overall had a lot of substance. It left a lot for the reader to imagine and I appreciate a poem like that.