Comments : Love that never see

  • 16 years ago

    by Melpomene

    "I'm glad that you love me to"

    Needs to be changed to

    "I'm glad that you love me too"

    "May be" = "Maybe"

    There are a few spelling errors throughout this poem aswel as grammer and punctuation. You need to add (,) when needed.

    I think you had the emotions portrayed nicely in this and I also found it to be sweet, You used simple words but to me the emotion could be stronger if you used more powerful words throughout it. The ryhme scheme was your own which is unique I liked it but I belived the flow was off a little in some places I think the last line caused it to rock of because it was too long.

    this was a good read though. Keep up the work and you will improve over time. Be patient. Hope this helps a little.~mel

  • 16 years ago

    by OHgreenman

    You've got some talent there and it was really a joy to read. I just looked at the other comments and agree that they gave you some good advice. Welcome to the group and look forward to reading your next piece.

  • 16 years ago

    by Taylor

    I think that it's good that you are starting to get into poetry. It's really a great thing. All this poem needs is some editing work; I suggest reading your poem aloud, and fixing what needs it. (its really just punctuation).
    The topic is sweet and lovely. It kind of makes me think of all the girls out there who don't know how amazing/beautiful they are.. which is funny, because boys are always trying to tell us (like in the poem). Over time, you will be able to enhance your writing with metaphors and similes and stuff. So keep it up!

  • 16 years ago

    by Birgit

    And I enjoyed this one too =] Really take advice from your comments though =] This was my favorite:

    "Your so beautiful that I can't never see
    Your eyes, the glimpse but it wont ever be free
    Your lips says I love you but can't ever hear
    In the future am so glad that you can show it to me"

    Just watch your grammer =]
    x
    5/5

  • 16 years ago

    by Marcus

    I liked the wording here, and the emotion was definately present. I'm certainly no expert, but I think it'd be easier for people to read if it flowed a little more. What I mean is, a couple of your stanzas have rhymes at the end of every line(AAAA), while some rhyme more ABAB, with each letter being a rhyme. That's a little confusing for average joe, so I'd suggest either trying to add rhymes, or changing words in the existing rhymes so all stanzas rhyme the same way. If this makes no sense to you, just ignore it^^.

  • 16 years ago

    by NinjaGirl

    "I'm so happy to have you
    I'm glad that you love me too
    Even if your far away from me
    You're the greatest thing I ever see."

    a sweet stanza full of love and dedication!

    "Maybe its funny that I love you
    Maybe other say that I'm crazy too
    But that's the truth that I can't hide from you
    Because I love you so much it's true."

    a deeply touching stanza!

    "Your so beautiful that I can't never see
    Your eyes, the glimpse but it wont ever be free
    Your lips says I love you but can't ever hear
    In the future am so glad that you can show it to me"

    alot of people are blinded by love and it's usually bad, but this doesn't sound bad at all!

    "I love you thats the thing I promise to you
    Even you cannot see, even you cannot hear
    But you can feel my feelings about you
    And I promise to god that our relationship would last long and come true"

    a fantastic stanza!

    all in all, a beautiful, touching poem. you are very dedicated!

    xD
    ~NinjaGirl~

  • 16 years ago

    by ECILA ice

    Sweet nga nman tlga... naks!! pero medyo nguluhan aq s stanza na toh:

    "Your so beautiful that I can't never see
    Your eyes, the glimpse but it wont ever be free
    Your lips says I love you but can't ever hear
    In the future am so glad that you can show it to me"

  • 16 years ago

    by C Cattaway

    Even if your far away from me
    You're the greatest thing I ever see.
    Best advice.. Check your spelling..
    "Even if you're far away.."

    Maybe its funny that I love you
    "Maybe it's funny that I love you.."

    Your so beautiful that I can't never see
    "You're so beautiful that I can't ever see.."
    Double negative makes a positive.. can't never see means you can at some point.. Anyway, you get the general idea about how to use apostrophes.. lol.. Apart from that, though, I like this, it's a sweet, loving poem. Well done. xx

  • 16 years ago

    by dollwithafrown

    Your key areas to work on when writing poetry is your spelling, punctuation and grammar. You seem to have the emotion part down fine - but IMO, you should work on perfecting the way your poem looks, and *then* go on to emotion, because you don't really need that much work there.

  • 16 years ago

    by katy

    .I really enjoyed readin this poem so good i love the part ..

    Maybe its funny that I love you
    Maybe other say that I'm crazy too
    But that's the truth that I can't hide from you
    Because I love you so much it's true.

    ... it just such a powerful poem to me :) good work from your heart xx

  • 16 years ago

    by Nix

    To be honest this isn't bad poem but you have some mistakes. You repeated word -you- too many times, you also repeated words -true- and -too-, that destroys flow. You can improve this poem, but that doesn't means that you not talented.

  • 16 years ago

    by lish

    Really well written no flaws
    xox

  • 16 years ago

    by Princess of snow

    This is a pretty good poem.
    The feelings expressed, seem
    so purely true. Keep it up.
    Thanks for commenting my poem,
    I'll try to make my next one longer.

  • 16 years ago

    by nikki

    Wow. i loved it. i loved the concept of this, the flow was great the structure was perfect and it was portrayed very beautifully. 5/5

  • 16 years ago

    by Eminent Bard

    Good job!

  • 16 years ago

    by Jenni Marie

    This was your first piece?
    You did very well if it was.
    I thought the flow was shaky at simes, and the last line threw it of as is was so much longer than the others, but apart from that I thought this was very sweet.