My wife said I was so fat that if the starving were cannibals I could feed half the world. I said we should donate BOTH our bodies and end world hunger in one go. And now she's not talking to me. Charming!

"Lighting farts and devouring porn are both brilliant things to do after all, as long as nobody gets set on fire in either situation!" - Emma B, 14/1/08

Nothing is ever so bad that there isn't someone you hate that claims to have it much worse. But somehow that grates when it should please us!

I like the phrase "citing precedent". You can bet that a fair few people on many a jury in the US have a good ol' look around the room for Dubya when they hear that.

They say charity begins at home. Which explains why there are less hermits than there used to be.

Can you REALLY make a stand at a sit-in protest? Who tells you when a sponsored silence is over?

I wonder if there's a support group for failed support groups.

Arguments with my wife tend to end with her feeling that she is ulitmately right. Which is odd because they end with me feeling that too: that she's right. That can't be right.

A friend rang to say her computer had the black death. Confused, I asked for details. She meant the "Blue Screen Of Death". I now find it hard not to imagine plague rats as being noticeable by their blueness.

The meek shall inherit the earth. The greedy shall inherit the cool stuff. The stupid shall inherit the power. The rest of us won't notice a difference.