I like it, but it needs work. I love the emotion, however some sections have so much more than others. Like it almost has a rising climax falling complex going on, but not exactly... If you can get that itd be pretty amazing. Also the structure is disracting, as there are all different size stanzas. The one liners should be like a POP of emotion, or a verb. Like a smack. Of maybe even a way to slow down the rate of readin, giving the reader something to ponder. Your one liners dont seem to have one of these purposes. The couplets also cause some confusion, since theyre random. Idk. I love the poem, but theres just a few things u can do to improve.

Love this. Its just flat out dark and grim, plus I must give you props on using a mixture of two line stanzas and three line stanzas. It seems that if I don't stick to the four line, I go crazy (OCD as hell about my lines being even), so kudos for pulling that off.

The vividness of your imagery draws a clear mental picture, but still holds a sense of mystery that leaves me reading deeper into the poem, something that many poems on this site don't manage to compel me to do. Great write.