Comments : Battle of One

  • 14 years ago

    by Nobodys Hero

    This is a very sad poem and youv'e expressed your emotions beautifully =]

    Your stanza flowed quite well into each other and your rhyming was very good.
    I really liked the first two lines on the second verse the use of repitition was nicely used.

  • 14 years ago

    by Lady Nik

    Essence left my heart tonight, and I'm all alone,
    I struggle on fighting, without a moan or groan,
    These thoughts and feelings, I can't take no more,
    I'm constantly involved in this suicidal war.

    *Good start hun. I would change the third line to "These thoughts and feelings, I can't take anymore." That seems to flow better and sound better to me. Other than the I like the simple rhyme.*

    The battle goes on, with my ups and downs,
    The battle goes on, with my smiles and frowns,
    The people I love, I see pain in their eyes,
    Pushing me closer to my imminent demise.

    *The last line is flawless. I love the words you use there. Perfect ^.^*

    I'm stuck in a battle, standing in No Man's Land,
    Fighting a lost cause, in a situation I never planned,
    It's a war consisting of one, and I'm losing it bad,
    Something I can't miss, the happiness I never had,

    *This part was sad, but I can relate to fighting a war inside one's self. it's very depressing and draining. Nice work.*

    Here I am, stuck like a broken winged swan,
    Everyone's enjoying life, and slowly moving on,
    You make me stay, for me to suffer more,
    But I carry on fighting, in this suicidal war..

    *Great way to end tis hun. I think you did a wonderful job here. Keep it up Shaun, you have to post more ^.^ Nik

  • 14 years ago

    by KemistryKia

    Deep, loved it!!! keep writing

  • 14 years ago

    by JXD

    Your writting is really deep, it's brave of you to put all your emotions on display and your a very good writter for it.
    This poem is really sad but good =/ lmfao nice job again mate

  • 14 years ago

    by cataclysmicSoul

    This was a very sad poem, i think you have to be very brave to talk about your feelings in such a deep way; making the reader feel how you are feeling
    it was a great piece
    well done

  • 14 years ago

    by Em

    Poem full of emotions, 5/5. Em