Spirit of the Forest ( F P C D )
at 2009-09-16
"Onyx skies are present;"
This opening line had me wondering what you were going to put next and what this poem would contain. I loved how you said "onyx skies" I thought that to be creative and something new to the eye.
"as my dragon pendant
casted in pewter layer
rests upon my skin -"
This was a good description of so many things, I liked "pewter layer" had to look that one up. I liked also the imagery given off, "dragon pendant" gave off kind of a mysterious sense and wonder.
"sitting upon his glass ball
he guards, combined to my heart."
Very interesting lines, the meaning was held deep within and I read this a few times over. You did not clearly portary your message in a way that would make this poem boring but made the reader dig a bit and use their imagination.
"But I, exhausted his vitality."
Powerful and striking line, even though it is so short, nice work.
"Mental values, enhancing them:
was a burlesque prolepsis.
Now, my whispers reverbate
from my defender of melancholy."
Wow, this was so haunting and impressive. I must say, I am not sure I have understand quite the point you were making, or grasped the concept, your vocabulary was very outstanding and I was captivated into finding the meaning. 5/5 from me, an excellent work of poetry.
God bless you and take care!
~MaryAnne
Even Angels Cry ( F P C D )
at 2009-09-17
Onyx skies are present;
^I really enjoyed the first line, I don't think anything needs to be changed in it, it brought in the reader and makes you want to read the rest by the uniqueness of your words. as written above, "onyx skies" is an example of this.
as my dragon pendant
casted in pewter layer
rests upon my skin -
sitting upon his glass ball
he guards, combined to my heart.
^I like this, it's simple. I mean, if you look at it bluntly, you're talking about a necklace of a dragon. But the way that you describe it makes it so fascinating and makes you want to find more in your words. It could be taken in many ways, the 'dragon' like a lion, could be used for strength, the ball he's sitting on could be thought of like a you would a looking ball, which portrays mystery, magick, and excitement, and then the pendant resting on your heart, is like it's protecting you, or that it has great value to you. Maybe I'm looking at something that isn't there, but that's how I saw it (:
But I, exhausted his vitality.
^I love simplicity. The personification is well-written.
Mental values, enhancing them;
was a burlesque prolepsis.
Now, my whispers reverbate
from my defender of melancholy.
^I believe you meant, in the third line, "reverberate" instead of "reverbate".
Ahh! See. now I understand. It's as though you have worn out the thing that stops you from becoming depressed (: Not 100% sure I got that right, but i hope so lol.
I'm sorry, I haven't been much help in this one, but it was just too fascinating for me to find any mistakes minus that one, if there ever were any to be found! (: Amazing job.
[ Praised by : Luna Blue ]
Maya ( F P C D )
at 2009-09-28
Gefeliciteerd meisje, ik ben zo trots op je!
Eindelijk een keer een winnaar van formaat;)
Liefs,
Ingrid
Directly Implied ( F C D )
at 2009-09-28
I see your votes at 4.3 and think how foolish people are. This was brilliant in format and wording.
well done absolutely wonderful
Spirit of the Forest ( F P C D )
at 2009-09-28
Congrats on the win LunaBlue! I am super happy for you, this was a impressive piece that displayed your love for poetry and knowledge of it also. Keep it up!
God bless you!
~MaryAnne
Princess Fiona ( F P C D )
at 2009-10-04
I didn't get to read this before but congrats and it was really imaginative. a winning poem in anyones book :]
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