Comments : Confessions: If love was a colour

  • 9 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    Not is my love only beautifully cruel

    - I would rephrase this to, not only is my love... it reads better :)

    Also - I am not sure what is missing in this verse, but it didn't connect for me..

    But also as always, in the end, when I erase myself
    from grey chess board I've turned myself into,
    as the white king falls

    - remove the word also?
    - insert "the" between from and grey.

    I would also advice putting in more punctuation... it is just one of the things I always look for in poetry, and always find I enjoy reading poems better when they are broken up in the way the author meant them to be read.

    As usual, you done well to combine all of these prompts, attempting 10 was brave, but I don't think you forced it at all, it seems to fit together nicely and the story makes sense throughout. I like how you have kept it as part of confessions, well done.

    • 9 years ago

      by Kakera

      Thanks! I always miss tons of things, and quite frankly need a proof reader most of the time. Pretty much all of the misses you pointed out were due to me changing that part and miss some of it, haha.

      Made some changes to it now, hopefully that verse will come across better. I'd love to hear about how it is now.

      And yeah, attempting 10 was brave, but when I saw them together I just knew they fit. And like when I got the first five of them, I knew it had to become one of the "Confessions:"-series too. I'm expecting that more of those will come overall in general. What I write in these "Confessions" aren't really fiction, which is why they're interesting to me as a person and a writer.

      Thanks!

  • 9 years ago

    by BlueJay

    If love was a colour, mine would be checkered,
    forever shifting between everything being perfect
    enough to sing love songs in summer wild nights,
    to the breaking, aching, crushing
    sounds of me holding onto it too tight

    ^ Not only is this an extraordinary introduction because it starts the piece with direction and feels as though you are talking directly to me it is very creative in the way that you describe your "checkered" color and how you chose to describe the good things from the bad. I really enjoy how this stanza was able to use three prompts so effortlessly and easily.

    Not is my love only beautifully cruel
    in its checkered shape expressed,
    in that I crush what I try to hold onto
    when I wait for the world to change
    into one where my dreams can come true

    ^I agree with Baby Rainbow about the first line sounding better if it read: "Not only is my love beautifully cruel" simply because your current use of syntax feels unnecessary and distracts the reader for a brief moment. But really it feels as though there is something else slightly off about the way this stanza is read... maybe I just haven't had enough coffee yet today.

    But also as always, in the end, when I erase myself
    from grey chess board I've turned myself into,
    as the white king falls

    ^I like the way this stanza is formed and how you make it something related to bored of checkered squares again instead of just to you. I like the creativity shown in that and the way you continued the same analogy from before. My only suggestion here would be that the second line should probably say "from the" or "from a" chess board.

    And from thereon whenever I see myself
    reflected in your eyes, I want you to know
    that me caring about letting you go is a lie

    ^ I like this one a lot. It is simple in its own way and it has so much said in so little.

    Because all I am in the end is a demon:
    another devil that walks on a trail of tears,

    ^ The way you separated this and the following stanza feels great to me because you give them so much more emphasis this way without destroying the unity that they have and also without weakening your conclusion.

    a greedy fiend, a hoarder of broken hearts,
    and you're just another part of my collection.

    ^ I was wondering how you were going to use the phrase "a hoarder of broken hearts" and I really must say I like the way you did. It sums up this piece so perfectly.

    Really I have enjoyed reading and hearing of your work before now, but I am glad this is one of the first I get to comment on because it is just that wonderful and well written. There is so much to it and it feels extraordinarily well written even with all the random things you had to use it felt natural and well thought out.

    Baby Rainbow suggested adding punctuation or more than there is so far, but honestly on that I have to disagree because without it the flow seems to be more as a person would talk or ramble not how they would speak in normal conversation which in turn adds to your own voice and makes the piece more of you than of the words or story. It's something I don't think people realize they forget when they write but it really makes a difference and makes a piece more unique when there is a definitive voice and personality.

    Excellent piece.

    I am nominating it in the weekly contest.

  • 9 years ago

    by PinkyPrincess

    Wow... I love this poem! I like how you described your love as checkered, and I enjoyed the metaphors throughout, especially the comparison to a chessboard. The ending was unexpected, yet raw and deep. This poem really moved me... Well done!