Comments : The little coffee shop.

  • 9 years ago

    by BlueJay

    Here, I am the little prisoner,
    hunched over a cherry wood table
    with a forbidden desire,
    wishing for dreams to come true
    as if fate was a trusted silhouette.

    ^ i like the feel of this introduction. It stands out and the last line just kinda stuck with me something about it just got caught in my mind. Anyway, reading this I was unsure exactly what you were going to do with this piece, but Im glad you didn't say too much here either.

    I drink to the ocean...
    to the amber sands I could never stroll,
    to the honest horizon my screams could
    never completely reach, for I've heard that one's
    echo leaves an imprint on forbidden islands
    and loveless lands that cities seem to mimic.

    ^I like the line "I drink to the ocean" because it changed the scene a bit but it also just kinda stuck. The imagery here was more than that because it also had a more emotional pull than your overall intro did (which seems like it must have been difficult to do) because the last two lines seem (to me at least) pure sadness or loneliness.

    Hours drift by and the drone of the mixers
    mix into my scourged mind.
    I am not satisfied, yet.

    ^ At first I thought you were going to end with hope because you said not satisfied yet and even if it were a simple or dark satisfaction at least it's better than what you seemed to have already. Either way this was a nice transition to the end of your piece.

    And with a deadly look of love reflecting
    off my face, I tuck away more dreams,
    knowing now is not the time
    to start loving

    ^ I like how you could of ended the piece here but by adding the last word "myself" you gave it a much different meaning than ending here would have. I love that you personified dreams here, it seems like it's overused but you made it feel refreshing.

    myself.

    ^ I already kind of explained my thoughts to separating this word from the last stanza, but I am glad you did, there was a greater impact that way.

    Until I went to comment, I had no idea that this was for Saffie's game. It felt so natural and so you that I didn't even consider it a possibility. So nice job with that.

    Great write. Beautifully penned.