Comments : Secretly Hope

  • 9 years ago

    by Liz

    It is very sad when people make us promises that seem to never be followed through. That's kind of what I'm understanding here.

    "10PM, 11PM, and 12...
    The sword of midnight clock pierced through
    my heart, my soul, and my most valued possession;
    my feelings for you."
    ^
    I absolutely love the way you compared the hour hand to the sword of midnight piercing through. Clever.

    "She most've forgotten."
    ^ should be "must have", not most've.

    "I secretly wish that the numbness of winter cold will bring me closure"
    ^ I think you could pull this off without using the word "cold", just keep it "the numbness of winter". (Just an opinion

    "I am tired for the night, but yet still not ready to close my eyes."
    ^
    You could also eliminate the "but" from this sentence. But and yet sort of work the same way. Again, just an opinion.

    Overall, good poem. Very relatable and I like that about it.

    • 9 years ago

      by Devon

      Thanks so much for reading through my poem. I have took some of your suggestions, but decided to keep the "must have " as "must've". I am well aware that the ladder is not the proper way for formal writing, but somehow the fluency sounded better to me when I read it. I appreciate your time.

  • 9 years ago

    by Liz

    No problem. That works well, too :D