Comments : Deceitful Truth

  • 9 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    Wrong, I was so wrong
    yet how could I suppose to know

    - the word "could" here, should be "was"
    and the word "suppose" should be "supposed"

    "how was I supposed to know"

    Before the beginning of
    this infatuated love
    I know is not built
    upon stone but upon sand.

    - this is my favourite part - I really like the idea of love being built on something, and here it compares something real and lasting like stone, against something like sand which is easily blown or washed away.

    So silence becomes friend

    - silence becomes "a" friend

    I am become.

    - I have become!

    Thank you for taking part - you did well, and I liked your approach to the challenge. Great title choice too!

  • 9 years ago

    by cassie hughes

    Just want to say the wording is exactly how I wanted it here. I chose to deliberately try for an archaic feel that is why the the beginning says could and suppose instead of was and supposed and why the other corrections Baby Rainbow has suggested will not be taken up at this time even though they are much appreciated.

    Just me being quirky I guess.

  • 9 years ago

    by -Choke-On-MY-Halo-

    Emotional that I will say since it's about a broken heart somewhere in the poem, the flow was a bit off since at times it would flow nicely and then it would become bumpy, the imagery beautiful to say the least but you could've made it even more so since you could've done the flow better so change words a little here a little there and the poem will be perfect to perfection that being said nice poem Cassie

    -Mori