Comments : Intimidation

  • 9 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "I never thought I'd feel this ache in my heart,
    Not even thought I'd cry for some piece of art.."

    - Read the second line again, I think it could be re-worded to make a bit more sense and read more easily. Such as saying, "Never thought", or "Never even thought" instead of the "Not".

    "My eyes got tears and no one even cared to ask,
    Or show me a smile even if it was a mask."

    - Possibly use a more active verb for the tears in your eyes, then "got", like you could say your eyes are bleeding with tears, or overflowing with them. I liked the thought in the second line as sad as it is because sometimes one smile, even from a stranger, can be what we need, little encouragement that pushes us forward. We affect other people.

    "I have forgotten how to complain,
    I can't even translate this pain"

    - These two lines are so powerful and honest. To me, they tell me that you are just trying to live day to day, and that is enough for right now because you can't comprehend the ending of the pain, how to find solutions.

    "I just have three words to say,
    for those who hurt me "they will pay" "

    - Interesting ending. I personally don't believe in revenge or hold it to any esteemed degree but I think it's a normal response to want to make others "pay", whatever that can mean. I think achieving forgiveness of self and others is what many (and myself) are journeying to, that final stretch so there is no coldness or bitterness or rage towards others. I also have heard that living your life to the fullest and rising above whoever "they" are, the bullies, the names, that that is the greatest revenge, to not let "them" define you or control the rest of your life.

    Thank you for sharing this. Keep writing and welcome to PnQ, by the way.

    • 9 years ago

      by Bayan

      I ReRead it again! And really Thank u:))
      Never even though, If u don't mind am gonna edit it :)

      Mmm
      River of tears in my eyes but no one really cared to ask,
      No one even gave me a smile, even if it was a mask

      What You think ?

      Mm True that (y)
      well am not that evil person.. but sometimes just the thought of making them pay, maybe it would help me move on now..

      Thank YOU :)

  • 9 years ago

    by Tim

    This is a really intense piece! You're such a great writer Bayan! I love it.

    The message is really interesting; It paints a picture (to me at least) of someone who is feeling sad and perhaps alone, who is looking over their life to what they've become. Seeking the ability to break the mould and demand the things they desire, as they have done in the past, but conditioned themselves not to do so since. - And I think it serves as a warning or threat, in a cunning way, that they can easily be the person they used to be if needed; Don't hurt this person because they know how to hurt back.

    Brilliant :) 5/5

    Keep penning

    P.s. I like Piano's suggestions.

    • 9 years ago

      by Bayan

      Tim Thank You a lot :))

      I always love how u describe what u saw or felt while reading ! :)

  • 9 years ago

    by katie vigil

    I LOVE IT

    • 9 years ago

      by Bayan

      Thaank you :))