Comments : Void

  • 8 years ago

    by BlueJay

    There is a void in my heart
    It can't be filled
    What was once there is gone forever
    Never to return

    ^something feels slightly off about this stanza. Like maybe it could be rewritten and leave a stronger grasp on the readers, but I like the open honesty and the potential it has.

    No one can replace it
    No one can live there
    No one can make me forget
    No one can, will, or be able to fill it again

    ^Repetition worked in your last piece (or the last one I read at least) but it does not seem to work here. I think it is because it is not as consistent or necessary this time. Also your final line has a typo in it, although I'm not entirely sure what you were intending, maybe reread it sometime and you can confirm that I'm not going crazy?

    The best they can do is sit by it
    Sit right there next to it
    To make me stop looking at it
    To make me look at them

    ^ again the potential in this one is stunning, but the stanza as is could use some work. It just feels kind of bland compared to some of your phenomenal lines already.

    To allow me to move on is hard
    I hate to do it
    But I will never forget what you did
    The scar you left will always be there

    ^ This stanza is great! Again, with some punctuation it would REALLY pop. But nice job. I love the way the other skills form something lovely - in it's own sort of heartbreaking manner.

    Never growing
    Never shrinking
    Never moving
    Never going away

    ^ Again, I'm not so sure the repetition is all that great because of the ways you've branched out with your other stanzas, but it still works very well and leaves an interesting taste in the readers mouth.

    It will stay right there
    Even when I find someone else
    It won't be the same
    It can never be the same

    ^ The simple out right nature of this stanza is incredible. In a way it shows strength that is hidden beneath your pain, thank you for being so honest within your words. It adds a dimension to the piece that many others seem to neglect or forget.

    They can only do one thing
    Sit next to me
    And make me look at them
    So I no longer have to look at that scar anymore
    Like you used to do

    ^This ending is great. It really ties your piece together well. and leaves an impact on the reader. You've put us in your shoes well.