Comments : Poisoned Tears:

  • 8 years ago

    by BlueJay

    Oh these Poisoned Tears that I cry
    Are laced with pain from deep inside,
    They escape my eyes roll off my chin
    And try to find someplace to hide.

    ^I love the way you capitalized Poisoned Tears and kept it up through the entire piece, it really adds emphasis while still being semi subtle. I think this introduction is decent, it pulls the reader into the story/emotion, but there is something missing (in my opinion).

    Their full of sorrow mixed with shame
    And they cause a great deal of hurt,
    Their ejected from my broken-heart
    With just a simple little squirt.

    ^ "Their" should be "they're" as in they are. The rhymes in this stanza are unusual, but it actually doesn't feel all that forced; however, the use of comic relief does seem a little disconnected with the rest of the piece. It detracts from the pain you are trying to convey.

    They then travel up my bloodstream
    Contaminating; everything they touch,
    From my feelings to my mind
    Clouding my judgment and my trust.

    ^ the use of your semi-colon feels out of place. It is an unnecessary pause that just kinda confused me. Especially since it's contaminatING which REALLY makes the semi-colon feel weird. But poets are entitled to awkward phrases, made up words, and any use of punctuation they desire.

    It eats away at my fragile brain
    Causing me a nervous breakdown,
    And when my eyes feel their ready
    They give the signal with a frown.

    ^ This stanza kinda let me down, you started the piece with such strength and potential. There's not as much creativity and the rhymes are almost cliche'.

    When the poison has done it's job
    There's nothing left for it to do,
    My tears say their last goodbyes
    And then start crying over you.

    ^I like how you personified both the poison and the tears in this stanza, I really like the way you penned this part. Great job.

    These Poisoned Tears you gave me
    When you broke my heart into,
    Their staining both my skin and shirt
    With the ugliest shade of blue.

    ^ in the second line "into" should be "In two" and "their" in the third line should also be "they're" but I like the last line, it really jumps out at me.

    When my waterworks are all dried up
    Still the worst is yet to come,
    For my insides will be eaten alive
    And my whole body will go numb.

    ^ I like the voice in this, it brings your style a little more life and adds flavor to the piece itself. Nice job.

    It's a very slow and painful death
    That I wouldn't wish upon no one,
    There's no use to lick my wounds
    Because the damage has been done.

    ^ Great ending, nice use of emotion and honesty.

    All in all this is a decent piece. 4/5

    • 8 years ago

      by Scott Cole

      Thanks for ur input I'll make those changes. I'm new at writing poems and on this site so I'm still learning but I'll get better. Thanks you for you time and effort.