Comments : Imminent downfall

  • 8 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    So I'm left here once again
    with tears too broken to cry
    and a heart to empty to fill
    with delicately entwined letters.

    - in the third line, "a heart to empty" to should be too, as in too much. :)

    So again I charge forth into my demise
    and let rodents fool me with pretty lies.

    - ooft! Love this line, really stands out and your tone is almost like it is screaming at the reader off the page! Brilliant.

    Loved your little ending stanza too, wrapped the poem up nicely and smoothly too with the rhyming.

    I think the poem is filled with sorrow, but this is what many of us writers on here can relate to. The loss is strong throughout, and the loneliness that now fills you and all you can see around is darkness.

    Great poem!

  • 8 years ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Love this and love the end. As Saffie says, filled with sadness but a good way to vent.
    All the best Hazel,
    Ben

  • 8 years ago

    by DarkLight

    Well written I must say. I like the emotion put into it... makes the flow great. good write

  • 8 years ago

    by Mr. Darcy

    Hello,

    okay, I have read this and I feel sad...

    I hope you are reflecting on past sadness and this is not how you feel now. ((hugs))

    I feel I need to verbalize these emotions,
    but will I find the appropriate words?
    I can't even rationalize these events
    they're all twisted in my mind.
    ^
    This introduction shows the turmoil and confusion of a mind battling, trying to make sense of...

    One day here and the next day gone.
    As simple as that.
    ^
    I like the two lined statement: Here today, gone tomorrow. You are right, the black and white of it is that, nothing is permanent. Even mountains eventually erode, don't they?

    So I'm left here once again
    with tears too broken to cry
    and a heart too empty to fill
    with delicately entwined letters.
    ^
    This is my favourite stanza. Tears that won't come. Like when all you've been crying for ever and there is just no more tears left. And then the heart line. If you keep abusing a heart it will not work, not refill and be useless, empty. Like a bucket with a hole...

    What cycle do I trap myself in
    that I continue to charge forth
    into my imminent downfall
    and brokenness?
    ^
    Hope causes us to do this...
    We think, next time will be different. Each time it fails we weaken and need time to repair, but like that bucket, how many holes can we repair before we empty for good...

    Am I that naive that I so easily fool my mind
    with my hearts petty desires?
    ^
    This is also a good statement and one that makes this reader relate. We have dreams of what our lives should be and what we want them to be like. Are we wrong to set the bar as high as we deserve? No, we should set the bar high, but we also need to understand why we need/ want to set it there. This answer is not as easy as people think... what we need and what we want are not always the same. Strive for what you need, not want you want...

    If only there was a script to all this
    I could then read a few pages ahead
    and decide my battle strategy
    but there isn't.
    ^
    On the benefit of hindsight...
    I would be a millionaire and I would take the whole of P&Q out to dinner!!
    I like the idea though and have often wished I could, especially with matters of the heart...

    So again I charge forth into my demise
    and let rodents fool me with pretty lies.
    ^
    Nice couplet: Acceptance of a doomed future...
    The rodents show a contempt for people who lie for their own selfish reasons. Dis you mean 'pretty' or did you mean 'petty' both work, so I am just checking that out...

    What a fool I am, an insipid fool!
    Constantly dreaming, planning ahead
    to some non-existent place
    with non-existent wonders.
    ^
    This reminds me of The wizard of Oz. Dorothy wanting more and then realising that all she ever needed was not over the rainbow, but at home...

    As leaf subsides to leaf
    so my heart sinks to grief
    as dawn goes down to day,
    nothing heartfelt can stay.
    ^
    This is a wonderful way to finish this poem. I love the rhyme and flow . This stanza captures the essence perfectly. Nothing lasts forever...

    Well done. This is a powerful write from you.

    Take care,

    Michael ((hugs))