deeplydesturbed ( F P C D )
Ben. This is so sad. And more sad. A very loving tribute to a lost child.. i am sorry for your loss..
Its something a parent should never have to go through..
Mr Darcy ( F P C D )
Lets get the obvious out of the way - this is super. I don't know of anyone who weaves a tale better than you.
To me after the first read is seems like its a suicide note. Not just any suicide note, but one to their children... but, no, I am wrong, this is a father writing/ or is inner dialogue to his lost child.
The title, 'my tears are not enough' - this (now I have read the poem) is referring to tears of grief, but these tears are shallow compared to the self-imposed guilt from leaving a little one by the shore that fateful summer.
How to feel the pain; connect with it somehow in a real way. Walking into the frozen water gifts the pain and even the tattooed 'screams' and 'shouts' - the shooting needles driving through the fathers toes, legs and torso. I can see clearly the poor man wailing as he remembers the sorrow incident. Although they all say 'its not your fault' he only can blame himself.
I imagine suicide is on his mind, but the only reason he does not succumb is his remaining family.
Excellent write, Ben.
Em ( F P C D )
No words or tears will ever be enough to grieve a child.
Take care Ben.
Kasie ( F P C D )
Very touching and emotional piece. Just by reading this I can feel your pain. Even though it's written under sorrowful circumstances, life experiences tend to bring out the best in writters. Take care.
Naughtymouse ( F P C D )
I can't even imagine this, the loss of something so precious is truly devastating and to write about it is no easy task. You have my admiration for you openness in posting this, it is not easy to bare a soul.
Take care my friend.
Larry Chamberlin ( F P C D )
Horrible to live with such memories; I'm hoping this was inspired by someone else's loss, but if it is personal you have more than my heartfelt sympathy.
To excise this pain is brave and cannot be demeaned with mere analysis, yet tribute must be given to such a work. Your straightforward rhyme scheme does service to the material by not presenting a distraction. Likewise the quartet structure gives the reader a simple flow and carries him through.
You presage tragedy from the start and do not try to be coy. The actual horror, left to the end, comes not as a shock but as a banshee's cry for her child.
The ending, in my opinion, should be kept as you have it, in two lines, but by eliminating the line spaces it would come across as a final epistle - more powerful I think.
Deserves the front page.
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Brenda ( F P C D )
Ben, I am gutted by this write- I am really hoping this was not inspired by your own loss. If so, you have my profound sympathy. So very sad-hugs-
Ben Pickard ( F P C D )
Thank you all for these comments. I have been away a few days and have just seen them so I should point out that this poem is not literal.
I had a dreadful nightmare last week about this exact scenario and couldn't help but scribble it down, despite how dark it is.
Meena Krish ( F P C D )
The build up of sadness in this poem slaps the reader's face with such a heart breaking sting towards the end...
To think this is about a lost love that you could not save or a dear friend which you shared this place once is now buried within it is nothing well it is hurtful but nothing more achingly painful then the loss of a child.
The ripples taunt as I gaze out
And seem to freeze my feet with glee -
^^I can visualize this so well seeing this loved place you run towards it with happiness for all that good memories are kept there but then you freeze and the
expression in your heart and face change...
But there! the screams and there! the shouts
That still compound my misery.
^^Here the hellish pain opens up. The once used to be a happy place is now the most painful spot.
I only turned a little while!
^^This happens with all parents at all times. Just for a
little while their eyes avert and whatever possibly can go wrong goes wrong. Its that little while which will be killing us as long as we live!
Within this poetry there is a scream of anguish and pain yet its felt terribly because the writing is composed with a steady beat..if that made sense.
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Ben Pickard ( F P C D )
Perfect sense, Meena and many thanks for the thorough comment.